Truths of Old

Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Happiness and Grief
Happiness?"after (the ex), have u been happy?"Happiness, like grief, is such a subjective thing.Have I been happy? I think I've been happier. I learnt to laugh again, and I learnt to appreciate my liberty, and my own company more.In between I've had the usual share of frustrations, almost attractions, disappointments, and peroids of anger and upset.I've laughed a lot, but I haven't really been laughing for real ... from that elusive place deep inside me where true happiness emanates from.That's something I've been missing ever since K.

*****

I found happiness again, after K.
I really did.

Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Life in mono- is waking up alone, and going to work alone.Reading the messages that appear on my mobile, and grimacing to myself, sometimes.Driving past Brazil (all you can eat meat) and smiling absently to myself.Remembering what it was like to hold, and be held by her. Especially when the world seemed to be crumbling apart around me - somehow just being in her arms made it all seem all right again.Somehow things really did seem easier when she was around.

Life in mono - is tiding through the still of the night with a paper in my hand, and a void by my side, where she used to be.

*********

Monday, December 25, 2006

I was so wrong.

Without Grace

Life in Silence -
Waking up alone, going to work alone.
No more messages on my mobile.
Battling the demons in my head, alone, now.

Driving past :

Brazil, and watching you, and I, laugh, and eat till we were exploding
Detlef's old place, the flat above, and good friends, and laughter and watching their love for each other, watching them dance Tango Argentina, and taking the lift down to the carpark beneath
Catherine's place, upstairs, and downstairs, being held gently by you as my world tumbled down around me, wanting to be held by you forever
The Botanic Gardens, fingers at the ready, eyes taunting each other, circling warily but laughing so much inside, and out loud
The junction at Raffles City where you spoke about Rinaldi, and my heart broke for you
The Oriental Hotel, and Mortons, the bar, Morton's, the restaurant
The National Durian Center
The Ugly Fat Bird on the Waterfront
The walk near the Esplanade, sun on my skin, dozing with you
St Ignatius' Church, which you found cosy
The Fullerton Hotel, rushing hand in hand with you, battling through the New Year crowds and ignoring the placid fireworks in the sky
The Bar in the Fullerton, where we took that photo, you, in the hat, gorgeous witch
The Pool Place, watching C and V with you, my equal, my love. Discussing them.
Que Pasa, watching you charm my friends
Casa Roma, D and C giving me the eye when you went to the toilet, a lovely lady, he said, and I smiled and looked down
Loof, you were so beautiful, in white
Harry's, waterfront
White pepper crab
Cantina
Iggys
The plastics on call room

...no more absent smiles now.

Life in silence is tiding through the hectic swarm of yet another on-call, with a void by my side, and an ache in my heart, and asking God to please quell this rising fear within me, each time it rears its ugly head. She left my side, but she hasn't left my head, and my heart.

I am your soldier now God, I give You my faith, my sword, and my heart; do as you will to me, but protect Her, guide Her, keep Her happy, and warm, and safe, and calm, and keep her laughing, and keep her faith which broke for us, in You, forever.

It's a human sign
When things go wrong
When the scent of her lingers
And temptation's strong

Into the boundary
Of each married man
Sweet deceit comes calling
And negativity lands

Cold cold heart
Hard done by you
Some things look better baby
Just passing through

And it's no sacrifice
Just a simple word
It's two hearts living
In two separate worlds

But it's no sacrifice
No sacrifice
It's no sacrifice at all

Mutual misunderstanding
After the fact
Sensitivity builds a prison
In the final act
We lose direction
No stone unturned
No tears to damn you
When jealousy burns

Cold cold heart
Hard done by you
Some things look better baby
Just passing through

And it's no sacrifice
Just a simple word
It's two hearts living
In two separate worlds

But it's no sacrifice
No sacrifice
It's no sacrifice at all

Cold cold heart
Hard done by you
Some things look better baby
Just passing through

And it's no sacrifice
Just a simple word
It's two hearts living
In two separate worlds

But it's no sacrifice
No sacrifice
It's no sacrifice at all

Hail, Mary
the Lord is With Thee
Blessed art Thou amongst women,
and Blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus

Holy Mary,
Mother of God
Pray for us Sinners, now,
and at the hour of our Deaths

amen

*****
Our Father, who art in Heaven,
hallowed be Thy name,
Thy kingdom come,
Thy Will be Done
on Earth, as it is in Heaven

Give us this day
our daily bread
and forgive us our tresspasses..
as we forgive those who tresspass against us,
and lead us not into temptation
but deliver us from evil

amen

*****
Pater noster, qui es in caelis,
Sanctificetur nomen tuum.
Adveniat regnum tuum.
Fiat voluntas tua,
Sicut in caelo et in terra.
Panem nostrum quotidianum da nobis hodie.
Et dimitte nobis debita nostra,
Sicut et nos dimittimus debitoribus nostris.
Et ne nos inducas in tentationem:
Sed libera nos a malo.
Amen.

Oh, my Lord
I give Thee my heart,

grant me the grace to pass this day
in Thy holy love
and without offending Thee

Amen

the slightly dusty car
the tired house
the homemade wiring
the old books, and pictures on the wall

i looked around me

it is so little

they have so much less

and yet they are so rich
so very rich in their love,

and so rich,

they have you, forever

you're a little late
this is how I feel
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is
torn

I held her close, and for a brief moment things were better again.

I didn't want to let go.

She has your eyes.

*****
Oh My Lord,

in my darkest hour
help me

Today was just another day.

Except that in the morning Jade brought me out to go shopping, visit her flat (many beercans on the table from her and her husband drinking the night before), and cut my hair. She is very supportive, seeing the sadness in my eyes. It's strange but many people can see it; people I didn't even know existed or cared, including some of the clinic girls.

Jade got her hair permed while I fell asleep waiting. We were so late for clinic as a result.

After that I had night OT, and I was so numb, I did several silly things including clean the patient before she went under. (That should sound funny, but somehow it isn't right now)

My heart and head are not really in right now.

Tomorrow I'm going to do one of the saddest things of my life.

It was so simple once, I only had one story; the saddest thing was flying over to say goodbye. The saddest moment was seeing her turn around in the carseat.

Now the saddest thing will be what I do tomorrow, I think. And the saddest moment hearing your voice break as I said all those stupid words, which I really really meant you know, thanking you everything and telling you it had been my honour. It was. And you asked me not to speak like that and your voice broke, and my heart broke too.

I had meant not to speak to you ever again.
It was easy once, I was principled, and I had a system of values to protect myself from myself, and the person I thought I loved from myself too.

Now, for the first time I am so weak.

And I hate myself for it, but it also tells me something real.

I thought true love was selfless once.

Now I have learnt at last that it is selfish.

I need you.

******
I guess at any other time this would be funny.

I know something is really wrong with me, because I've lost my appetite.

I can count the number of meals I've eaten this week on one hand.

*****
I didn't get to finish the other day, the words were all jumbled up in my mind; I was in shock I think.

Anyway

Thank you

for every smile we shared
for every moment we had together
every moment our eyes met
everything we ate together
every touch
every kiss
for being by my side, and making me proud
for being ahead of me, with my friends, and making me prouder
for falling in love with me
for trying to warn me to be more affectionate, and that you are manja
so sorry dear.
i failed you
for giving me yourself, for the time we had

It was the happiest year of my life.

It used to be a stupid year back in uni, talking on the phone or telnet or whatever. old story, dont care now.

The happiest year of my life now was with the Queen of my heart; my Ice queen.

Do you see what is happening here, in this blog, my love?

I do not write about my sadness, or my pain as I used to.

The more I write, the more I sit and think, the more time passes I know the truth

I love you.

I love you.

I love you.

I don't care about my sadness anymore; I don't care about adhering to principles, I don't care about my sense of betrayal.

I love you so much, and I want to make you love me again.

I want to make you love me again so that I can never, ever let you go again, and so you will never leave again; I want to spend my life with you, till the day I die.

There are several reasons why I cannot do my exam this february.

partly because it's hard to work and study, and go on call

partly because all... purpose... has been lost

and mostly because right now, when I pick up the textbooks, the words just wash over me, and I can read the same paragraph over, and over, and over again.

I need study leave; more than that, I need some time to be alone, to think

JY asked me out for dinner today; ostensibly to try to cheer me up.

As I watch her as she talks, and she watches me, I see that she is funny, and nice. She is tall - the same height as I, and well groomed, and really quite pretty and attractive. She tells me abour her breakup to try to empathise with me, and I do feel sorry for her.

And I talk to her and yes, she does cheer me up a little..

But at the end of the night she looks at me and says I still look miserable, and that she has failed. She slaps me on the shoulder, and asks me to smile or all her efforts will have been in vain.

It's not her fault.
It's just that I remember you, funny, and alive, sparkling, vivacious, nice, tiny; I remember your lowish, huskyish, yet sometimes nasal voice, and I wish.... silly wishes from another time. I remember how we met; I remember you at TCC, I remember us, and feeling a little hesitent, and shy at first. I remember something young, and innocent, and special. Something I would have died for again, until I met you, and I wonder how come I could ever have taken it and you for granted... and I feel so sad.

She asks me about my past, and I tell her about you first, then go back and back until K, and as I tell the story of K, I stop, and say god this is such an old story... it doesn't really matter; and I stop there, and dont wish to carry on.

My heart doesn't belong to you anymore, you want it no longer.

But it doesn't belong to me, either.

Oh Grace,

how much I have wasted

how much I have squandered

I was in clinic today, and it was so, so hard to see my patients, and care about what they were saying

and suddenly I remembered EVERYTHING, in full colour detail; it was hard to breathe, and it has only happened once before

but I did not have to make myself feel sad; or regretful, I just felt

devastated

It was instantaneous

and It makes me realise how much you are and were


Sadness

I watched you with my little group of friends, at Que Pasa, and you sparkled as you spoke to them

I felt so, so proud

I watched you get into the car in your cream-white dress and you were magnificent, and I smiled

We ate white pepper crab, and you were too busy eating to talk, and I laughed

We sat in the car, you and I, as you drowsed, and the radio host said something about the way to a man's heart is through his eyes, and the way to a woman's heart is through her ears, and I said...
the way to Grace's heart is through her stomach

and we laughed, and laughed and you threatened to poke me

We circled each other like children at the Botanic Gardens, like twin praying manti, fingers raised to poke, and our eyes were wary but we smiled, and when we walked again, I threatened to poke you and we laughed

I put my hand on yours by my side as we drove, and it felt so real, so clean, and so good.

We started poking each other in the car, in the carpark, and I leaned over you to pin you down, and we paused for the longest time

I wanted to kiss you... the moment was perfect

I remembered your boyfriend
I... pulled away.

I put my hand in yours, and in the rearview mirror, D and Cs eyebrows went up, and they smiled; D looked at me, and I looked back, and smiled

I was so proud of you

I put my arms around you through your raincoat and we watched the niagara falls in awe, and I tried to hold you close, through all that material.

We put on our coats together, leaving the hotel room, and I looked at our reflections in the mirror, and thought to myself... I am... so lucky.

You drank the seven sins with me, and started to get tipsy, I assured you that you were not.... and you hid it very well

Oysters galore at Rodney's, and watching you enjoy them together with me

I can't go on, it's hard to breathe through all these memories washing over me

Oh my God.
I miss you so much.

And I wasted us, and you.

I have some photos of you left on my computer.

I looked at them tonight, because the ex whom I'm now friends with again asked to see your picture.

And I can see that you aren't gorgeous in my eyes; but you are a pretty little thing that many guys will fall for.

And my heart bleeds.

I guess I didn't care how you looked

I just loved you

and it made you beautiful to me

I don't know how to show you that I'm real...

.. and now you just ignore my words

Maybe we turned into echoes on the phone

but behind my echo, all the words unsaid that I left,

I feel

still
and despite.

Oh, my Lord, I give Thee my heart
grant me the grace to pass this day in thy holy love
and not offend Thee,
this day, and always.

******
It was strange, looking at the dates; it almost seemed like a Sign.

I see now what must be done.

God, I pray that You guide my hand. Let my aim be true, and let my words be Thine.

Still here.

Not crazy yet.

The silence continues.

Hmm. Everything seems to be in working order.

I guess it's hard to believe that I'm no longer missed, or thought about - but I know that must be the case.

It must be easier for you, you have someone new to dote on you and the thralls of a developing new relationship to spend your time on.

I am alone, at my computer in this little room that we once knew together, trying to forget the promises that we made each other.

I guess you're not the kind of person to look back. And in such an astonishingly short time I feel like I've been sidelined; I'm yesterday's news.

Something vaguely unpleasant now to harden your heart towards?

Or someone to forget, not worth complicating your life with anymore?

Distance is always hard; we both knew it at the start; but we both wanted to try for some crazy reason, sitting in that car.

Once upon a time you were grateful for my calls; and I was always ---- and I'll let you in on a secret --- I was still --- grateful for your calls - even just before the breakup. You were happy that your friends were jealous that your boyfriend called you so often; I was just happy to hear your "haallo??"

Regardless of content, the simple act of your calling meant something good to me;

not so apparently for my calls, I guess I was just ordinary on the phone, just irritating because I was too sleepy, too tired, too mundane for you.
I'm guessing maybe my voice and mind grew tiresome to you.

So sad, because my voice and mind are different when you are nearby - you knew it at the start. When you are near I come alive with you, and the troubles around me that cloak my eyes and mind fade away. It seemed that way for you too, once.
I guess maybe time passes and we forget these things.

No chance for us to even meet again; and I suspect even should or when your current relationship ends you will have slipped seamlessly into another guy, another story.

Why did you fight the distance with me all this time just to give up on it at the eleventh hour? What made you give up on us?

Yes my dear, I have so many more questions for you, but unfortunately I will never stop asking; I will always have more on my mind to ask you,
or to want to share with you
to laugh with you about

and I am no longer the appropriate person to do all this with.

I have some pride still. I wont admit to being a puddle on the floor; it's hard for me to concentrate at work, and I've lost the ability to study (for now) but I'll be okay soon. And its not just pride that makes me write here, or continue to want you back... sometimes people feel this way because they were the one that was dumped, and they want revenge, or to be in a position to dump the other person. I don't feel that way now, at all. Perhaps I even feel a strange relief; I have no timeframe now; no need to do my exams in february (and I can't right now... just too sad missing us, and you, to try to study) no need to prepare to sort everything out in time to see you... Perhaps in a different life I might have felt the strain and found my houseman too attractive to me, and thought about breaking up, who knows?
But you know, I think I would have waited. Two months isn't that long... it passes in a snap.

I do feel betrayed and abandoned, and I don't wish to speak to you again - partly because I can feel you don't wish to speak either - we've run out of words for each other I guess.

And I won't beg more than once; I tried the other night (for the first and only time in my life) and sensed to my sadness that your mind had already been made up before we spoke. I guess you snapped somewhere along the way - we all do during medical finals - only you told me later, after you had rationalised me out of your life and D in.

But right now I still miss you, and hearing you. Even if you don't miss me.

It's not because you're so amazing; or wonderful -- I tried to explain myself the other night but my words were incoherent; I was trying so hard to think on my feet while feeling so so afraid, and tired.

Perhaps your previous exs - some of them - begged without dignity... without Grace.

I didn't fall in love with your face, or your smile, or your body (big butt) or the way we "talked"...

... I fell in love with the person behind all that; I fell in love with her soul...

... she just felt right for me, and worth waiting for, and building a life with.
... and she was incredible

And I guess one day, as silly as this sounds - since nothing will ever be the same now, and many things have changed in my head with your choosing of someone else over me, so that you can "be with him" -- I guess I'm feeling betrayed and abandoned right now, for good reason --

-- one day I'd still like to meet you again. And see if we can talk, and maybe "talk" ? again... and smile.

I'm not comparing anybody or anyone, but this is truth - I didn't. Not in my past, not with anyone before -- have a wish for a second chance.

Until now.

It's so bizarre that it takes for one of the worst breakups of my life, and for a stalker to put me back in touch with an ex.

*****
I knew for sure K was part of my past, because somewhere along the way you became the only one on my mind.

And I kinew it for certain a few days back, when I re-read patchwork paddington and behindthebear - someone needed the URLs and I gave them to him - and I felt sad.

And of course I felt sad, I was so, so sad when I wrote them. I was breaking in two - the way, I suppose, I am right now.

It's only natural that re-reading my pain reminds me of my pain then.

And after I read part of it, I closed the page, and that was that. I felt quite happy that I had something good and clean, and I didn't dwell on my past.

And then Things fell Apart.

Maybe I shoiuld have told you, but I guess maybe it was already too late.

Nine days ago you missed me and longed to see me again in london.

Yesterday, you didn't love me anymore.

Everything is so dark, right now.

I'm hurt,

I won't deny it.

I'm trying to make sense of things still, and they don't add up.

As I read the messages dated 24th and 25th november, and I remember the emotion i felt on receiving them and replying to them - how much I wanted to meet in london too, how much I missed her too

... I just don't understand.

And then I think, as I said to J over drinks tonight (that helped, to be honest, just to sit, drink and be quiet for a while, to not think about things anymore)

I don't really want to think about her and her new guy right now

I just dont really want to know

And I'd really rather just move on.

Maybe it was all a pleasant dream, whispered sweet nothings, insubstantial

perhaps you never intended on making them real.

It doesnt add up with the person I felt so priviledged to know then, and that I still remember now, and things don't really make sense.

I just know that I need to sleep

and that I dont think I'll be going to london after all.

I can't.

*******
It feels like my eyes are opened now, and I see the truth - perhaps we didnt drift apart, and maybe... you stood back because you wanted to be with him.

Maybe our relationship didn't fail to mutual distance... maybe the distance was created, so it could fail, and give way for something new.

I have everyy reason to hate you.

And yet I don't.

I don't, at all.

As I remember the times we shared, I smile, and as I remember how much I still felt for you a mere nine days ago, I feel a pang.
I remember you well. And right now, right this instant,

i still miss you.

*******
I did this, I imposed this silence; it is my cowardice and my consideration. I want for you to move on well, without me incessantly bugging you or making you feel guilty; and I want to somehow quell the questions in my mind, by just not thinking about things.

And right now the silence hurts me.

The silence in my head... is deafening.

I can't presume it hurts you too; you're probably happy where you are now, and so, so relieved. :(

I could sense it when You called, somehow. I knew your mind was made up, and I could feel that you wanted - no, you needed an escape.

And so I gave it to you, my dear. As I did once before, I gave it because it was the right thing to do. I set you free, to be with him, because I loved you.

Selfishness kicked in; for that I apologise profusely. I had to ring up and fight, and I made you ill at ease for far too long; I had to give it one last shot - I had to - what man does not fight for his lady love?

And for that am so sorry my love, we did not part on the best of footings.
Right now I am feeling a little betrayed, yes - because it was you! You, fiery, funny and smart. You whom I trusted and thought you were so strong. You, who are so alive and vivacious.

But then I see it was not your fault, nor mine, perhaps his. These things happen; time happens, distance happens. And I love you too much to blame you.

Mostly I guess I just feel so, so sad. We were, and we could have been. But you have Chosen.

I suppose in retrospect it was easy to see; he was near you always and I could not bring myself to try to control the woman I loved. You did not feel for him at first, but time and persistence and proximity always win. Absence makes the heart go wander.

Easy to see; you moved nearer him, more time together. Your exams, my work schedule; we fell away from each other.

But all this time I have continued to tell people of the day we would meet again; all this time I dreamt that in just a few months we could be nearby again, and let the magic begin once more.

Goodbye, my funny Ice Queen.

Farewell, my lady.