Thursday, December 07, 2006
No mans land
JY asked me out for dinner today; ostensibly to try to cheer me up.
As I watch her as she talks, and she watches me, I see that she is funny, and nice. She is tall - the same height as I, and well groomed, and really quite pretty and attractive. She tells me abour her breakup to try to empathise with me, and I do feel sorry for her.
And I talk to her and yes, she does cheer me up a little..
But at the end of the night she looks at me and says I still look miserable, and that she has failed. She slaps me on the shoulder, and asks me to smile or all her efforts will have been in vain.
It's not her fault.
It's just that I remember you, funny, and alive, sparkling, vivacious, nice, tiny; I remember your lowish, huskyish, yet sometimes nasal voice, and I wish.... silly wishes from another time. I remember how we met; I remember you at TCC, I remember us, and feeling a little hesitent, and shy at first. I remember something young, and innocent, and special. Something I would have died for again, until I met you, and I wonder how come I could ever have taken it and you for granted... and I feel so sad.
She asks me about my past, and I tell her about you first, then go back and back until K, and as I tell the story of K, I stop, and say god this is such an old story... it doesn't really matter; and I stop there, and dont wish to carry on.
My heart doesn't belong to you anymore, you want it no longer.
But it doesn't belong to me, either.
As I watch her as she talks, and she watches me, I see that she is funny, and nice. She is tall - the same height as I, and well groomed, and really quite pretty and attractive. She tells me abour her breakup to try to empathise with me, and I do feel sorry for her.
And I talk to her and yes, she does cheer me up a little..
But at the end of the night she looks at me and says I still look miserable, and that she has failed. She slaps me on the shoulder, and asks me to smile or all her efforts will have been in vain.
It's not her fault.
It's just that I remember you, funny, and alive, sparkling, vivacious, nice, tiny; I remember your lowish, huskyish, yet sometimes nasal voice, and I wish.... silly wishes from another time. I remember how we met; I remember you at TCC, I remember us, and feeling a little hesitent, and shy at first. I remember something young, and innocent, and special. Something I would have died for again, until I met you, and I wonder how come I could ever have taken it and you for granted... and I feel so sad.
She asks me about my past, and I tell her about you first, then go back and back until K, and as I tell the story of K, I stop, and say god this is such an old story... it doesn't really matter; and I stop there, and dont wish to carry on.
My heart doesn't belong to you anymore, you want it no longer.
But it doesn't belong to me, either.
