Truths of Old

I'm hurt,

I won't deny it.

I'm trying to make sense of things still, and they don't add up.

As I read the messages dated 24th and 25th november, and I remember the emotion i felt on receiving them and replying to them - how much I wanted to meet in london too, how much I missed her too

... I just don't understand.

And then I think, as I said to J over drinks tonight (that helped, to be honest, just to sit, drink and be quiet for a while, to not think about things anymore)

I don't really want to think about her and her new guy right now

I just dont really want to know

And I'd really rather just move on.

Maybe it was all a pleasant dream, whispered sweet nothings, insubstantial

perhaps you never intended on making them real.

It doesnt add up with the person I felt so priviledged to know then, and that I still remember now, and things don't really make sense.

I just know that I need to sleep

and that I dont think I'll be going to london after all.

I can't.

*******
It feels like my eyes are opened now, and I see the truth - perhaps we didnt drift apart, and maybe... you stood back because you wanted to be with him.

Maybe our relationship didn't fail to mutual distance... maybe the distance was created, so it could fail, and give way for something new.

I have everyy reason to hate you.

And yet I don't.

I don't, at all.

As I remember the times we shared, I smile, and as I remember how much I still felt for you a mere nine days ago, I feel a pang.
I remember you well. And right now, right this instant,

i still miss you.

*******
I did this, I imposed this silence; it is my cowardice and my consideration. I want for you to move on well, without me incessantly bugging you or making you feel guilty; and I want to somehow quell the questions in my mind, by just not thinking about things.

And right now the silence hurts me.

The silence in my head... is deafening.

I can't presume it hurts you too; you're probably happy where you are now, and so, so relieved. :(