Truths of Old

Today was just another day.

Except that in the morning Jade brought me out to go shopping, visit her flat (many beercans on the table from her and her husband drinking the night before), and cut my hair. She is very supportive, seeing the sadness in my eyes. It's strange but many people can see it; people I didn't even know existed or cared, including some of the clinic girls.

Jade got her hair permed while I fell asleep waiting. We were so late for clinic as a result.

After that I had night OT, and I was so numb, I did several silly things including clean the patient before she went under. (That should sound funny, but somehow it isn't right now)

My heart and head are not really in right now.

Tomorrow I'm going to do one of the saddest things of my life.

It was so simple once, I only had one story; the saddest thing was flying over to say goodbye. The saddest moment was seeing her turn around in the carseat.

Now the saddest thing will be what I do tomorrow, I think. And the saddest moment hearing your voice break as I said all those stupid words, which I really really meant you know, thanking you everything and telling you it had been my honour. It was. And you asked me not to speak like that and your voice broke, and my heart broke too.

I had meant not to speak to you ever again.
It was easy once, I was principled, and I had a system of values to protect myself from myself, and the person I thought I loved from myself too.

Now, for the first time I am so weak.

And I hate myself for it, but it also tells me something real.

I thought true love was selfless once.

Now I have learnt at last that it is selfish.

I need you.

******
I guess at any other time this would be funny.

I know something is really wrong with me, because I've lost my appetite.

I can count the number of meals I've eaten this week on one hand.

*****
I didn't get to finish the other day, the words were all jumbled up in my mind; I was in shock I think.

Anyway

Thank you

for every smile we shared
for every moment we had together
every moment our eyes met
everything we ate together
every touch
every kiss
for being by my side, and making me proud
for being ahead of me, with my friends, and making me prouder
for falling in love with me
for trying to warn me to be more affectionate, and that you are manja
so sorry dear.
i failed you
for giving me yourself, for the time we had

It was the happiest year of my life.

It used to be a stupid year back in uni, talking on the phone or telnet or whatever. old story, dont care now.

The happiest year of my life now was with the Queen of my heart; my Ice queen.