Truths of Old

Oh Grace,

how much I have wasted

how much I have squandered

I was in clinic today, and it was so, so hard to see my patients, and care about what they were saying

and suddenly I remembered EVERYTHING, in full colour detail; it was hard to breathe, and it has only happened once before

but I did not have to make myself feel sad; or regretful, I just felt

devastated

It was instantaneous

and It makes me realise how much you are and were


Sadness

I watched you with my little group of friends, at Que Pasa, and you sparkled as you spoke to them

I felt so, so proud

I watched you get into the car in your cream-white dress and you were magnificent, and I smiled

We ate white pepper crab, and you were too busy eating to talk, and I laughed

We sat in the car, you and I, as you drowsed, and the radio host said something about the way to a man's heart is through his eyes, and the way to a woman's heart is through her ears, and I said...
the way to Grace's heart is through her stomach

and we laughed, and laughed and you threatened to poke me

We circled each other like children at the Botanic Gardens, like twin praying manti, fingers raised to poke, and our eyes were wary but we smiled, and when we walked again, I threatened to poke you and we laughed

I put my hand on yours by my side as we drove, and it felt so real, so clean, and so good.

We started poking each other in the car, in the carpark, and I leaned over you to pin you down, and we paused for the longest time

I wanted to kiss you... the moment was perfect

I remembered your boyfriend
I... pulled away.

I put my hand in yours, and in the rearview mirror, D and Cs eyebrows went up, and they smiled; D looked at me, and I looked back, and smiled

I was so proud of you

I put my arms around you through your raincoat and we watched the niagara falls in awe, and I tried to hold you close, through all that material.

We put on our coats together, leaving the hotel room, and I looked at our reflections in the mirror, and thought to myself... I am... so lucky.

You drank the seven sins with me, and started to get tipsy, I assured you that you were not.... and you hid it very well

Oysters galore at Rodney's, and watching you enjoy them together with me

I can't go on, it's hard to breathe through all these memories washing over me

Oh my God.
I miss you so much.

And I wasted us, and you.