Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Day 3
Still here.
Not crazy yet.
The silence continues.
Hmm. Everything seems to be in working order.
I guess it's hard to believe that I'm no longer missed, or thought about - but I know that must be the case.
It must be easier for you, you have someone new to dote on you and the thralls of a developing new relationship to spend your time on.
I am alone, at my computer in this little room that we once knew together, trying to forget the promises that we made each other.
I guess you're not the kind of person to look back. And in such an astonishingly short time I feel like I've been sidelined; I'm yesterday's news.
Something vaguely unpleasant now to harden your heart towards?
Or someone to forget, not worth complicating your life with anymore?
Distance is always hard; we both knew it at the start; but we both wanted to try for some crazy reason, sitting in that car.
Once upon a time you were grateful for my calls; and I was always ---- and I'll let you in on a secret --- I was still --- grateful for your calls - even just before the breakup. You were happy that your friends were jealous that your boyfriend called you so often; I was just happy to hear your "haallo??"
Regardless of content, the simple act of your calling meant something good to me;
not so apparently for my calls, I guess I was just ordinary on the phone, just irritating because I was too sleepy, too tired, too mundane for you.
I'm guessing maybe my voice and mind grew tiresome to you.
So sad, because my voice and mind are different when you are nearby - you knew it at the start. When you are near I come alive with you, and the troubles around me that cloak my eyes and mind fade away. It seemed that way for you too, once.
I guess maybe time passes and we forget these things.
No chance for us to even meet again; and I suspect even should or when your current relationship ends you will have slipped seamlessly into another guy, another story.
Why did you fight the distance with me all this time just to give up on it at the eleventh hour? What made you give up on us?
Yes my dear, I have so many more questions for you, but unfortunately I will never stop asking; I will always have more on my mind to ask you,
or to want to share with you
to laugh with you about
and I am no longer the appropriate person to do all this with.
I have some pride still. I wont admit to being a puddle on the floor; it's hard for me to concentrate at work, and I've lost the ability to study (for now) but I'll be okay soon. And its not just pride that makes me write here, or continue to want you back... sometimes people feel this way because they were the one that was dumped, and they want revenge, or to be in a position to dump the other person. I don't feel that way now, at all. Perhaps I even feel a strange relief; I have no timeframe now; no need to do my exams in february (and I can't right now... just too sad missing us, and you, to try to study) no need to prepare to sort everything out in time to see you... Perhaps in a different life I might have felt the strain and found my houseman too attractive to me, and thought about breaking up, who knows?
But you know, I think I would have waited. Two months isn't that long... it passes in a snap.
I do feel betrayed and abandoned, and I don't wish to speak to you again - partly because I can feel you don't wish to speak either - we've run out of words for each other I guess.
And I won't beg more than once; I tried the other night (for the first and only time in my life) and sensed to my sadness that your mind had already been made up before we spoke. I guess you snapped somewhere along the way - we all do during medical finals - only you told me later, after you had rationalised me out of your life and D in.
But right now I still miss you, and hearing you. Even if you don't miss me.
It's not because you're so amazing; or wonderful -- I tried to explain myself the other night but my words were incoherent; I was trying so hard to think on my feet while feeling so so afraid, and tired.
Perhaps your previous exs - some of them - begged without dignity... without Grace.
I didn't fall in love with your face, or your smile, or your body (big butt) or the way we "talked"...
... I fell in love with the person behind all that; I fell in love with her soul...
... she just felt right for me, and worth waiting for, and building a life with.
... and she was incredible
And I guess one day, as silly as this sounds - since nothing will ever be the same now, and many things have changed in my head with your choosing of someone else over me, so that you can "be with him" -- I guess I'm feeling betrayed and abandoned right now, for good reason --
-- one day I'd still like to meet you again. And see if we can talk, and maybe "talk" ? again... and smile.
I'm not comparing anybody or anyone, but this is truth - I didn't. Not in my past, not with anyone before -- have a wish for a second chance.
Until now.
Not crazy yet.
The silence continues.
Hmm. Everything seems to be in working order.
I guess it's hard to believe that I'm no longer missed, or thought about - but I know that must be the case.
It must be easier for you, you have someone new to dote on you and the thralls of a developing new relationship to spend your time on.
I am alone, at my computer in this little room that we once knew together, trying to forget the promises that we made each other.
I guess you're not the kind of person to look back. And in such an astonishingly short time I feel like I've been sidelined; I'm yesterday's news.
Something vaguely unpleasant now to harden your heart towards?
Or someone to forget, not worth complicating your life with anymore?
Distance is always hard; we both knew it at the start; but we both wanted to try for some crazy reason, sitting in that car.
Once upon a time you were grateful for my calls; and I was always ---- and I'll let you in on a secret --- I was still --- grateful for your calls - even just before the breakup. You were happy that your friends were jealous that your boyfriend called you so often; I was just happy to hear your "haallo??"
Regardless of content, the simple act of your calling meant something good to me;
not so apparently for my calls, I guess I was just ordinary on the phone, just irritating because I was too sleepy, too tired, too mundane for you.
I'm guessing maybe my voice and mind grew tiresome to you.
So sad, because my voice and mind are different when you are nearby - you knew it at the start. When you are near I come alive with you, and the troubles around me that cloak my eyes and mind fade away. It seemed that way for you too, once.
I guess maybe time passes and we forget these things.
No chance for us to even meet again; and I suspect even should or when your current relationship ends you will have slipped seamlessly into another guy, another story.
Why did you fight the distance with me all this time just to give up on it at the eleventh hour? What made you give up on us?
Yes my dear, I have so many more questions for you, but unfortunately I will never stop asking; I will always have more on my mind to ask you,
or to want to share with you
to laugh with you about
and I am no longer the appropriate person to do all this with.
I have some pride still. I wont admit to being a puddle on the floor; it's hard for me to concentrate at work, and I've lost the ability to study (for now) but I'll be okay soon. And its not just pride that makes me write here, or continue to want you back... sometimes people feel this way because they were the one that was dumped, and they want revenge, or to be in a position to dump the other person. I don't feel that way now, at all. Perhaps I even feel a strange relief; I have no timeframe now; no need to do my exams in february (and I can't right now... just too sad missing us, and you, to try to study) no need to prepare to sort everything out in time to see you... Perhaps in a different life I might have felt the strain and found my houseman too attractive to me, and thought about breaking up, who knows?
But you know, I think I would have waited. Two months isn't that long... it passes in a snap.
I do feel betrayed and abandoned, and I don't wish to speak to you again - partly because I can feel you don't wish to speak either - we've run out of words for each other I guess.
And I won't beg more than once; I tried the other night (for the first and only time in my life) and sensed to my sadness that your mind had already been made up before we spoke. I guess you snapped somewhere along the way - we all do during medical finals - only you told me later, after you had rationalised me out of your life and D in.
But right now I still miss you, and hearing you. Even if you don't miss me.
It's not because you're so amazing; or wonderful -- I tried to explain myself the other night but my words were incoherent; I was trying so hard to think on my feet while feeling so so afraid, and tired.
Perhaps your previous exs - some of them - begged without dignity... without Grace.
I didn't fall in love with your face, or your smile, or your body (big butt) or the way we "talked"...
... I fell in love with the person behind all that; I fell in love with her soul...
... she just felt right for me, and worth waiting for, and building a life with.
... and she was incredible
And I guess one day, as silly as this sounds - since nothing will ever be the same now, and many things have changed in my head with your choosing of someone else over me, so that you can "be with him" -- I guess I'm feeling betrayed and abandoned right now, for good reason --
-- one day I'd still like to meet you again. And see if we can talk, and maybe "talk" ? again... and smile.
I'm not comparing anybody or anyone, but this is truth - I didn't. Not in my past, not with anyone before -- have a wish for a second chance.
Until now.
