Wednesday, October 19, 2005
Lost
It's a dark day today, and it's pissing down.
I've been playing the piano for a while, trying not to think.
For an instant, everything fell into focus and I knew what I was going to play in advance; I turned everything in the direction I wanted.
For a moment, I guided myself.
And then I was... lost again.
She wrote once that she felt so lost... if she had only known.
I had a crazy image of guiding her in to harbour... but in the light of day, I cannot be a guide when I too am lost.
I read her, and him. I read their pains, and their hurts. I felt sad for a moment, and my heart broke for her (for she is my friend).
His words were not mature, then. They were intensely self-centred... They were hurtful. They were the Truth.
Love is... caring for someone more than you care about yourself.
Had he truly loved her - or had he been in love with the idea of loving her?
Mine was not to reason why. I am no judge in these things - their story was theirs alone.
*****
This instant, right now - too many regrets. Too much self-recrimination.
Too many pictures and memories of people fading out of time. People who really, really mattered.
Too many silences; some... eternal. Some transient - some borne of misunderstanding. Some borne of foolishness.
I wish we could all start over on a clean slate.
*****
Hello, K.
It's just me.
We knew each other once...
... I think You were brilliant. And above all, You were a Good person. You made me laugh...
I made your world fall apart. Mine is still kinda buggered, at my feet, but i'll figure the pieces of the puzzle out eventually.
I'll stand down the snipers. I'll have the demolitions crews retrenched. I'll disarm the trigger mechanisms...
Would You give me the honour of getting to know you, again?
*****
Hello, S.
It's just me.
We were friends once.
You were kinda warm, and cute, and you bumped your head into things a lot. You were a good kid - you went for walks sunset with your mum... you were a pleasure to be around. Right till the moment I messed it up...
Whatever happened to you?
*****
Hello, T.
It's just me.
We were friends, once.
We had.. something strange in common. Dreams, and a play-cheat 2 favourite ice-cream flavour (Irsh Cream, and cookies and cream)
I wanted to help you find your dreams... You were really pretty... maybe just a tad self-centred - but you were also generous to the people you cared about, and you had a lovely smile.
I've heard that you got married... How're you doing?
*****
Hello, C.
It's just me.
We were friends, once.
I liked being your friend, you were easy to talk to.
We spoke about many things, we killed time together.
It was nice, until the moment you ran... you didn't have to, you know. Friendship is far more important to me, than "face".
Whatever happened to you?
*****
Hello, M.
My name is...
We were friends, once.
I liked being close by you... and I liked finding out about you. As I did... I found myself drawn to you even more, and I wanted to help you find your dreams... far more than you will ever know.
We don't really talk anymore - you seem to run from things you don't understand, and there's been a lot of that between us.
Perhaps we will meet again someday - as you seem to promise.
Would you give me the honour of getting to know you - properly, this time? Without all the crap that happened... hanging over us?
*****
I've been playing the piano for a while, trying not to think.
For an instant, everything fell into focus and I knew what I was going to play in advance; I turned everything in the direction I wanted.
For a moment, I guided myself.
And then I was... lost again.
She wrote once that she felt so lost... if she had only known.
I had a crazy image of guiding her in to harbour... but in the light of day, I cannot be a guide when I too am lost.
I read her, and him. I read their pains, and their hurts. I felt sad for a moment, and my heart broke for her (for she is my friend).
His words were not mature, then. They were intensely self-centred... They were hurtful. They were the Truth.
Love is... caring for someone more than you care about yourself.
Had he truly loved her - or had he been in love with the idea of loving her?
Mine was not to reason why. I am no judge in these things - their story was theirs alone.
*****
This instant, right now - too many regrets. Too much self-recrimination.
Too many pictures and memories of people fading out of time. People who really, really mattered.
Too many silences; some... eternal. Some transient - some borne of misunderstanding. Some borne of foolishness.
I wish we could all start over on a clean slate.
*****
Hello, K.
It's just me.
We knew each other once...
... I think You were brilliant. And above all, You were a Good person. You made me laugh...
I made your world fall apart. Mine is still kinda buggered, at my feet, but i'll figure the pieces of the puzzle out eventually.
I'll stand down the snipers. I'll have the demolitions crews retrenched. I'll disarm the trigger mechanisms...
Would You give me the honour of getting to know you, again?
*****
Hello, S.
It's just me.
We were friends once.
You were kinda warm, and cute, and you bumped your head into things a lot. You were a good kid - you went for walks sunset with your mum... you were a pleasure to be around. Right till the moment I messed it up...
Whatever happened to you?
*****
Hello, T.
It's just me.
We were friends, once.
We had.. something strange in common. Dreams, and a play-cheat 2 favourite ice-cream flavour (Irsh Cream, and cookies and cream)
I wanted to help you find your dreams... You were really pretty... maybe just a tad self-centred - but you were also generous to the people you cared about, and you had a lovely smile.
I've heard that you got married... How're you doing?
*****
Hello, C.
It's just me.
We were friends, once.
I liked being your friend, you were easy to talk to.
We spoke about many things, we killed time together.
It was nice, until the moment you ran... you didn't have to, you know. Friendship is far more important to me, than "face".
Whatever happened to you?
*****
Hello, M.
My name is...
We were friends, once.
I liked being close by you... and I liked finding out about you. As I did... I found myself drawn to you even more, and I wanted to help you find your dreams... far more than you will ever know.
We don't really talk anymore - you seem to run from things you don't understand, and there's been a lot of that between us.
Perhaps we will meet again someday - as you seem to promise.
Would you give me the honour of getting to know you - properly, this time? Without all the crap that happened... hanging over us?
*****
