Thursday, June 24, 2004
Greener Pastures
She writes :
"I sometimes read, with sadness and a great deal of envy, some of your entries and observations because you seem to have it. Just a sheer honesty about your lives with that added dash of humour. It's a trait I've noticed that all bloggers seem to share - that superordinate ability to see your lives outside of yourselves as some kind of comedy, or sometimes satire. The ability to make light of yourselves, yet imbue it with a moodiness that makes one stop, and sometimes wish that they were there, or that they were you."
How odd. I sometimes read, with no small degree of envy, her utter joy and happiness at having found the man to spend the rest of her life with, and ogle at her wedding photographs like everyone else does. What must it be like, to be as lucky as she? What must it be like, to have that?
It's such a mind-boggling experience to find the perspectives reversed. This life I lead, in this ordinary shell I wear, is pretty mundane to me.
Slightly dark, self-deprecating self-satire? Over-rated. :)
Now lucian, on the other hand. He's just a lucky bastard. :) If he grins any more the top of his head will fall off.
"Me on the other hand, am deluged by my work, this humourless, insipid environment. Around me, everyone is buried to their necks in their keyboards, typing away typing away at ...what? the latest speech? rushing to get the next "Errata" out the ST to correct them on the wrong nuances made in one or some of their reports?"
Do I have time to reflect? To just "be"? Hardly.
Work. I know that word. Ten hours a day, mind numbing questions repeated ad nauseum, but with an odd, apathetic form of relief. Because when things get exciting... sure, there's that little buzz, that awakening of the senses - almost (I'm beginning to like this phrase) a "prickling point of awareness"... it's very, very slightly like falling in love (sans the love part. heh) when everything becomes hyperacute, and thoughts race... but they race in an almost frenzy. And there is fear, somewhere in here, reigned in and carefully controlled and masked in a guise of professional calm. And when it's all over, come what may, we step back outside of resusc and restart the mind-numbing questions. A smooth transition between two worlds.
It's exhausting. And consuming. And sometimes it feels like I'm drowning.
So I come home, and I struggle to the surface - with words. Before plunging beneath the waves into the depths of slumber.
I've discovered, by the way, that 6 hours is the absolute minimum for optimal performance. But sometimes optimal performance goes out the window, when something needs to be scribed.
Perhaps I reflect, and "am", so much because I have nobody left to reflect to.
This is, strictly, untrue. I have several friends (and with the passing days, I try to ressurrect more) whom I still email with. But emails are for snippets, pleasant cutouts tailored to the friends.
Thoughts like these, whole, overwhelming thoughts, are either for oneself, or for a better half - someone intimate, to share everything, good bad and ugly with.
In the absence of a better half, to laugh with, lean on, listen to, and unburden upon - I use these pages as my release.
Don't envy these lonely reflections - or I will envy your completeness, JN. :)
This may just be a Monday blues phenomenon - reading the Scriptures for today I am also reminded that we all have our bits of lives to live, that ours is not a life to compare with each other's and feel bitter that our lot is not as fascinating as someone else's.
ah.
No, life is fascinating. In different ways. My life does, in it's mundanity, fascinate me -- but yours fascinates me as well. A random stranger impressed upon me that all life is beautiful, regardless of the intricacies of it, because everything happens for a reason - whatever that reason be, ours is not to wonder why. Bitterness, and resenting "short straws" is a waste of humanity. It leads to... something we see still, evolving on someone (unnamed) else's page.
I know you are seizing your life with both hands, and am happy for you. :)
Still. Is there anything truly fascinating about Chai Tea? Hardly. =)
Whaaaaaaat? Blasphemy!! Sacriledge! Send forth the centurians! Assemble the ranks! Put a contract onna head! I want no expense spared!
Or that the smallest things can send one into orgasmic heaven? Well, not so uncommon, that one, but yes, I take the point. This individual introduced me to Chai tea once, and I commiserate with him that the only cafe that found it worth its time to sell the concoction in Singapore is Coffee Beans.
Psssshaw!!! ACCEPT NO IMITATIONS!!!! Borrrrrrrders!
To arms, to arms! Viva la Revolutione!
oops. sorry. got carried away there. cough.
"I sometimes read, with sadness and a great deal of envy, some of your entries and observations because you seem to have it. Just a sheer honesty about your lives with that added dash of humour. It's a trait I've noticed that all bloggers seem to share - that superordinate ability to see your lives outside of yourselves as some kind of comedy, or sometimes satire. The ability to make light of yourselves, yet imbue it with a moodiness that makes one stop, and sometimes wish that they were there, or that they were you."
How odd. I sometimes read, with no small degree of envy, her utter joy and happiness at having found the man to spend the rest of her life with, and ogle at her wedding photographs like everyone else does. What must it be like, to be as lucky as she? What must it be like, to have that?
It's such a mind-boggling experience to find the perspectives reversed. This life I lead, in this ordinary shell I wear, is pretty mundane to me.
Slightly dark, self-deprecating self-satire? Over-rated. :)
Now lucian, on the other hand. He's just a lucky bastard. :) If he grins any more the top of his head will fall off.
"Me on the other hand, am deluged by my work, this humourless, insipid environment. Around me, everyone is buried to their necks in their keyboards, typing away typing away at ...what? the latest speech? rushing to get the next "Errata" out the ST to correct them on the wrong nuances made in one or some of their reports?"
Do I have time to reflect? To just "be"? Hardly.
Work. I know that word. Ten hours a day, mind numbing questions repeated ad nauseum, but with an odd, apathetic form of relief. Because when things get exciting... sure, there's that little buzz, that awakening of the senses - almost (I'm beginning to like this phrase) a "prickling point of awareness"... it's very, very slightly like falling in love (sans the love part. heh) when everything becomes hyperacute, and thoughts race... but they race in an almost frenzy. And there is fear, somewhere in here, reigned in and carefully controlled and masked in a guise of professional calm. And when it's all over, come what may, we step back outside of resusc and restart the mind-numbing questions. A smooth transition between two worlds.
It's exhausting. And consuming. And sometimes it feels like I'm drowning.
So I come home, and I struggle to the surface - with words. Before plunging beneath the waves into the depths of slumber.
I've discovered, by the way, that 6 hours is the absolute minimum for optimal performance. But sometimes optimal performance goes out the window, when something needs to be scribed.
Perhaps I reflect, and "am", so much because I have nobody left to reflect to.
This is, strictly, untrue. I have several friends (and with the passing days, I try to ressurrect more) whom I still email with. But emails are for snippets, pleasant cutouts tailored to the friends.
Thoughts like these, whole, overwhelming thoughts, are either for oneself, or for a better half - someone intimate, to share everything, good bad and ugly with.
In the absence of a better half, to laugh with, lean on, listen to, and unburden upon - I use these pages as my release.
Don't envy these lonely reflections - or I will envy your completeness, JN. :)
This may just be a Monday blues phenomenon - reading the Scriptures for today I am also reminded that we all have our bits of lives to live, that ours is not a life to compare with each other's and feel bitter that our lot is not as fascinating as someone else's.
ah.
No, life is fascinating. In different ways. My life does, in it's mundanity, fascinate me -- but yours fascinates me as well. A random stranger impressed upon me that all life is beautiful, regardless of the intricacies of it, because everything happens for a reason - whatever that reason be, ours is not to wonder why. Bitterness, and resenting "short straws" is a waste of humanity. It leads to... something we see still, evolving on someone (unnamed) else's page.
I know you are seizing your life with both hands, and am happy for you. :)
Still. Is there anything truly fascinating about Chai Tea? Hardly. =)
Whaaaaaaat? Blasphemy!! Sacriledge! Send forth the centurians! Assemble the ranks! Put a contract onna head! I want no expense spared!
Or that the smallest things can send one into orgasmic heaven? Well, not so uncommon, that one, but yes, I take the point. This individual introduced me to Chai tea once, and I commiserate with him that the only cafe that found it worth its time to sell the concoction in Singapore is Coffee Beans.
Psssshaw!!! ACCEPT NO IMITATIONS!!!! Borrrrrrrders!
To arms, to arms! Viva la Revolutione!
oops. sorry. got carried away there. cough.
