Wednesday, February 04, 2004
Dawn to Dusk
Nurses have a name for their late shift here. They call it a Twilight. "I'm on a twilight" - sounds like something out of a sci-fi/romance movie to me. I kinda like it.
So today I'm starting my new job, and I have some misgivings. Sure, I've done it before, but... it's different. Everything's in a different place, and underneath it all, it's my training job. I've gotta be good at it this time, and I don't know any of the hospital protocols. Perhaps Colchester's rough and ready A&E medicine won't be enough out in the almost-big-city. (Next on the cards, London?)
And to make things worse, I'm working today after the induction. Not a twilight, fortunately, just a regular Daylight. Home at 2100. Which is a bit of a bummer - I didn't get a room there in the end - what DO I do when I finish at 0200 hours after the last train leaves? Sleep in the mess? Perhaps I need that car after all.
Real-life worries. Are what usually fills other people's heads. I'm too laid back to actually worry about these things. I don't actually mind sleeping in the mess... as long as I get to go home and shower the next morning.
This weekend's been spent thinking about other people's worries; listening to someone dispassionately narrate her conclusion of a relationship that nearly lasted a decade, I couldn't help but feel sad. It's sad to have to face something you saw coming for ages, it's not quite right to say bluntly, well it was obvious it was going that way for some time, to me anyhow. So you just listen in silence. And her sadness was intuitive, even if she was covering - perhaps that would have warrented a proper show of sympathy, a slightly longer hug. Perhaps I shoulda got dessert.
Listening to someone else relate her flat turning into a mini version of the Amazonian swamps repeatedly, her frustration with her landlord's tardiness at sorting out the problem, her frustration with the smell, and the stress of sorting out a new flat, and her career in-decisions (multiple applications for jobs she didn't really want, resulting in interviews skipped) whilst getting slightly tipsy on an empty stomach, two nights in a row, I felt... not quite apathy. Just sat there, letting it wash over me, and somewhere in me, a gnawing ? worry. Turning around on the street, staring out through glass windows. I see people now, not just scenary, and I have a suspician I know who I'm looking for, dammit.
*******
And when we meet, (which) I'm sure we will
All that was there will be there still
I'll let it pass and hold my tongue
And you will think that I've moved on
I will go down with this ship
I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
*******
Except I'm not sure we will.
And If we do, Your silence will have told me a million things more than mine tells You.
The ball is in Your court now.
Nurses have a name for their late shift here. They call it a Twilight. "I'm on a twilight" - sounds like something out of a sci-fi/romance movie to me. I kinda like it.
So today I'm starting my new job, and I have some misgivings. Sure, I've done it before, but... it's different. Everything's in a different place, and underneath it all, it's my training job. I've gotta be good at it this time, and I don't know any of the hospital protocols. Perhaps Colchester's rough and ready A&E medicine won't be enough out in the almost-big-city. (Next on the cards, London?)
And to make things worse, I'm working today after the induction. Not a twilight, fortunately, just a regular Daylight. Home at 2100. Which is a bit of a bummer - I didn't get a room there in the end - what DO I do when I finish at 0200 hours after the last train leaves? Sleep in the mess? Perhaps I need that car after all.
Real-life worries. Are what usually fills other people's heads. I'm too laid back to actually worry about these things. I don't actually mind sleeping in the mess... as long as I get to go home and shower the next morning.
This weekend's been spent thinking about other people's worries; listening to someone dispassionately narrate her conclusion of a relationship that nearly lasted a decade, I couldn't help but feel sad. It's sad to have to face something you saw coming for ages, it's not quite right to say bluntly, well it was obvious it was going that way for some time, to me anyhow. So you just listen in silence. And her sadness was intuitive, even if she was covering - perhaps that would have warrented a proper show of sympathy, a slightly longer hug. Perhaps I shoulda got dessert.
Listening to someone else relate her flat turning into a mini version of the Amazonian swamps repeatedly, her frustration with her landlord's tardiness at sorting out the problem, her frustration with the smell, and the stress of sorting out a new flat, and her career in-decisions (multiple applications for jobs she didn't really want, resulting in interviews skipped) whilst getting slightly tipsy on an empty stomach, two nights in a row, I felt... not quite apathy. Just sat there, letting it wash over me, and somewhere in me, a gnawing ? worry. Turning around on the street, staring out through glass windows. I see people now, not just scenary, and I have a suspician I know who I'm looking for, dammit.
*******
And when we meet, (which) I'm sure we will
All that was there will be there still
I'll let it pass and hold my tongue
And you will think that I've moved on
I will go down with this ship
I won't put my hands up and surrender
There will be no white flag above my door
*******
Except I'm not sure we will.
And If we do, Your silence will have told me a million things more than mine tells You.
The ball is in Your court now.
