Sunday, August 03, 2003
It's funny how you can live your life a listener. A good listener also asks the questions that need to be asked. The irony is that they in turn, I suspect, are rarely asked the questions which offer them relief - or perhaps as lainey likes to say, "catharsis".
Catharsis is a strong word for me; and also I suppose I'm not that great a listener. I wouldn't know, I've never listened to myself listening to someone.
So for the record, these are some of the answers to the questions nobody thought to ask.
Yes, I haven't been sleeping much either; why? Yes, I suppose because I too don't want to wake up feeling tired. Certain dreams wear me out, and maybe if I make myself tired enough, the four hours a night I snatch will be dreamless.
Yes, that is a ring I'm wearing. Why am I wearing it, still? Because it was given to me with a certain purity of intention. Because it has become part of who I am, because it has somehow fundamentally changed my life. Because something like that you don't just throw away; sometimes it is the thought that counts.
No, I didn't enjoy working for you, thank you very much for patronising me yet again. I wish you well and hope you succeed in your life and career, but if I never meet you again that will be too soon for me. But do know that I forgive you.
No, she wasn't just some fat girl to me; I could see that she wasn't fat then, and later on I Knew that she was special. And if I had had a bit more guts, I would have shouted at you. Or perhaps, like her, raised my hand to hit you - but caught myself in time.
Whose sister was it who moved to taiwan? Would I answer that I wonder. Well, why not, her sister's maiden name would be Xie.
How do I know not just someone like you? Five years later and I'm a little bit closer to knowing with absolute certainty.
Do I like Alice? Of course I like Alice. Amongst all my other once-upon-a-time female friends.
Would I do anything about it? Why on earth would - and should - I?
Why not? Let me tell you a story...
Why am I still here? I think I'm killing time, before the rest of my life begins. I think maybe the rest of my life scares me.
Do I have any regrets letting someone like that go? Not many, I suppose - she's so happy now, and that's what I wanted to happen. I suppose the regrets are I'll never know what her hand would have felt like in mine, or how we would have been up close to each other - but those are small regrets in the grand scheme of things.
Do I have any regrets about letting someone like Her go?
Almost every day.
Do you still care about Her? I hope She never loses Her sense of wonder...
Do you still love Her?
How can you, still love someone, not having seen them for half a decade. Common sense decrees to me that it's impossible. People forget... and people change.
So why do I run so hard from memories of You? And why does the prospect of never seeing You again still hit me so hard.
Can I?
I don't know. I'd rather not think about it.
Alice calls this "devotion", I think. The devotion of a paladin?
I don't have the words for it. But surely I wouldn't despise devotion?
I hope you dance.
Catharsis is a strong word for me; and also I suppose I'm not that great a listener. I wouldn't know, I've never listened to myself listening to someone.
So for the record, these are some of the answers to the questions nobody thought to ask.
Yes, I haven't been sleeping much either; why? Yes, I suppose because I too don't want to wake up feeling tired. Certain dreams wear me out, and maybe if I make myself tired enough, the four hours a night I snatch will be dreamless.
Yes, that is a ring I'm wearing. Why am I wearing it, still? Because it was given to me with a certain purity of intention. Because it has become part of who I am, because it has somehow fundamentally changed my life. Because something like that you don't just throw away; sometimes it is the thought that counts.
No, I didn't enjoy working for you, thank you very much for patronising me yet again. I wish you well and hope you succeed in your life and career, but if I never meet you again that will be too soon for me. But do know that I forgive you.
No, she wasn't just some fat girl to me; I could see that she wasn't fat then, and later on I Knew that she was special. And if I had had a bit more guts, I would have shouted at you. Or perhaps, like her, raised my hand to hit you - but caught myself in time.
Whose sister was it who moved to taiwan? Would I answer that I wonder. Well, why not, her sister's maiden name would be Xie.
How do I know not just someone like you? Five years later and I'm a little bit closer to knowing with absolute certainty.
Do I like Alice? Of course I like Alice. Amongst all my other once-upon-a-time female friends.
Would I do anything about it? Why on earth would - and should - I?
Why not? Let me tell you a story...
Why am I still here? I think I'm killing time, before the rest of my life begins. I think maybe the rest of my life scares me.
Do I have any regrets letting someone like that go? Not many, I suppose - she's so happy now, and that's what I wanted to happen. I suppose the regrets are I'll never know what her hand would have felt like in mine, or how we would have been up close to each other - but those are small regrets in the grand scheme of things.
Do I have any regrets about letting someone like Her go?
Almost every day.
Do you still care about Her? I hope She never loses Her sense of wonder...
Do you still love Her?
How can you, still love someone, not having seen them for half a decade. Common sense decrees to me that it's impossible. People forget... and people change.
So why do I run so hard from memories of You? And why does the prospect of never seeing You again still hit me so hard.
Can I?
I don't know. I'd rather not think about it.
Alice calls this "devotion", I think. The devotion of a paladin?
I don't have the words for it. But surely I wouldn't despise devotion?
I hope you dance.
