Saturday, July 19, 2003
My last day in Singapore is passing quietly and uneventfully in a blur of sleep, Terri Pratchett and my mother's incessant hovering. So many trips back I've been spending - emotionally, over females. Meeting someone maybe?- heart hop skips jumps, not meeting someone, gut plummetts, meeting someone's parents blah blah blah. Frankly, I'm sick of it :) This has been a nice, quiet holiday. Fourteen days of bliss. Tomorrow I'll be a world away, returned to reality - or perhaps Unreality? Perhaps all this has been but a ripple in the matrix. But it's been a good one - I do feel rested now, and if not ecstatic, at peace at least.
What a shame I haven't got an early retrenchment to secretly look forward to!
On "the lost", and denial. Actually, I remember being in denial myself, once. Sometimes there're forces at work that are greater than one's own personal resolve - and that's what makes everything all the sweeter when denial is grudgingly forced into retreat. :) And watching one particular story unfold, watching a master craftsman chipping unconsciously, but extremely skillfully away at the granite face of someone's resolve, I can't help but laugh and wonder how his sculpture will turn out. Here's rooting for you, Icarus. :)
Re-minisce has decided to embark upon a campaign of reconciliation, which he seems to have done pretty well so far. Two out of three isn't so bad I guess. And the proverbial post-breakup enmity need not exist. Maybe he's growing old?
Two cases in particular stand out because the separations weren't entirely born of selfishness. The third was entirely born of feeling helpless and hapless, and unable to continue. Fatigue, and sheer self-centredness. I remember LKY once saying you should love the person you marry, and not the other way around. Well lah dee dah. LKY was a batty old fool by then, already, anyhow :)
One of the cases was motivated by a lot of factors, mainly in my head. An inescapable one (which I tried weakly to explain retrospectively to the "subject") was the passage of years. I'm not age-ist. In fact I'm almost a complete failure as a wannabe cynic, when it comes to romance. Cynicism is easy in the aftermath, but surprisingly difficult when you're caught in the initial heady throes. But at the end of the day, I took a step back, because I realised she didn't have time. She was (still is) four years older than myself. Not such a big deal, and I guess if we'd been in our early twenties it'd have been fine. But a twenty nine year old doesn't have time to waste, on a kid who may or may not be making a mistake. Said kid didn't think he was making a mistake, but that tiny cynical voice started buzzing "what if?" and he realised that to try to follow it through, possibly to wind down lukewarmly (too many factors against) years later would be almost criminal. Cos then the female in question would be a little older, a little less shiny, and very possibly in our sad little society, a little less appealing to the blokes around her. And, as he's tried to tell her - a girl like that is too good to go to waste. And so he ran.
One of the other cases was motivated by common sense, in Her head, and self-preservation, in His. He didn't want to watch his best friend's (one of) wedding and pull a Julia Roberts. And he'd grown tired of concealing his emotions, which is very much what you have to do when you stay friends with someone you're still in love with. And so he ran.
Love, and concealment.
Scrolling back down there I find myself writing I've only been in love once.
That's untrue. I've been in love three times.
The first was epic. And unfortunately, it may not quite have faded completely; I'm still puzzling that one out.
Epic being defined by silly, childlike movie moments, and the sheer roller-coaster-esque feel of it all. Head over heels at first sight, love at second. Flying, but strangely, with feet on the ground. Practical flying. Sustainable for life? Would've been, given different circumstances.
The second was also epic, in its own way. Not quite a roller coaster, but definite movie moments, although mostly available in audio only. Attraction (or intrigue?) at first sight, and love at second speak. lol. Flying for a bit, then mostly running, with head firmly in clouds. Sustainable? Maybe, but it didn't happen that way.
The third wasn't so much epic as long-drawn. A sensible, sane start, and a lacklustre end. No first-sight element to speak of, and walking most of the way. Sustainable - no. Falling into love, as opposed to falling in love.
Concealment. I started this blog initially because I'd grown tired of my webpage. All names had to be concealed. References made had to be oblique, for preservation of identities, privacy and God knows what else. It was very trying. So I decided to start a blog nobody would know about, and just be myself. Looking back over what I've just written, the names seem to have fallen out again, and the references are becoming rather confused in their attempts not to divulge revealing facts.
So I've decided to have two blogs. This will remain, as my personal blog, consisting mainly of touchy feely sad rants at the world, and the people around me that paint me as your typical, depressed, angsty individual. Names will continue to be dropped from time to time, except those involving individuals who may be reading this since you all already know who you are. There's so few of you anyhow! :)
The other is going to be at http://drgoat.blogspot.com and is going to be modelled after drsheep.com - unabashedly, shamelessly plugging the author, and how wonderful he thinks he is. Also to poke fun at all things shiny, Singaporean, and generally pathetic.
It's time, methinks, I grew up and joined my own genre. The guys like http://tictactone.com and http://the2ndrule.com - peeps who were once my classmates and friends, and contemporaries.
What a shame I haven't got an early retrenchment to secretly look forward to!
On "the lost", and denial. Actually, I remember being in denial myself, once. Sometimes there're forces at work that are greater than one's own personal resolve - and that's what makes everything all the sweeter when denial is grudgingly forced into retreat. :) And watching one particular story unfold, watching a master craftsman chipping unconsciously, but extremely skillfully away at the granite face of someone's resolve, I can't help but laugh and wonder how his sculpture will turn out. Here's rooting for you, Icarus. :)
Re-minisce has decided to embark upon a campaign of reconciliation, which he seems to have done pretty well so far. Two out of three isn't so bad I guess. And the proverbial post-breakup enmity need not exist. Maybe he's growing old?
Two cases in particular stand out because the separations weren't entirely born of selfishness. The third was entirely born of feeling helpless and hapless, and unable to continue. Fatigue, and sheer self-centredness. I remember LKY once saying you should love the person you marry, and not the other way around. Well lah dee dah. LKY was a batty old fool by then, already, anyhow :)
One of the cases was motivated by a lot of factors, mainly in my head. An inescapable one (which I tried weakly to explain retrospectively to the "subject") was the passage of years. I'm not age-ist. In fact I'm almost a complete failure as a wannabe cynic, when it comes to romance. Cynicism is easy in the aftermath, but surprisingly difficult when you're caught in the initial heady throes. But at the end of the day, I took a step back, because I realised she didn't have time. She was (still is) four years older than myself. Not such a big deal, and I guess if we'd been in our early twenties it'd have been fine. But a twenty nine year old doesn't have time to waste, on a kid who may or may not be making a mistake. Said kid didn't think he was making a mistake, but that tiny cynical voice started buzzing "what if?" and he realised that to try to follow it through, possibly to wind down lukewarmly (too many factors against) years later would be almost criminal. Cos then the female in question would be a little older, a little less shiny, and very possibly in our sad little society, a little less appealing to the blokes around her. And, as he's tried to tell her - a girl like that is too good to go to waste. And so he ran.
One of the other cases was motivated by common sense, in Her head, and self-preservation, in His. He didn't want to watch his best friend's (one of) wedding and pull a Julia Roberts. And he'd grown tired of concealing his emotions, which is very much what you have to do when you stay friends with someone you're still in love with. And so he ran.
Love, and concealment.
Scrolling back down there I find myself writing I've only been in love once.
That's untrue. I've been in love three times.
The first was epic. And unfortunately, it may not quite have faded completely; I'm still puzzling that one out.
Epic being defined by silly, childlike movie moments, and the sheer roller-coaster-esque feel of it all. Head over heels at first sight, love at second. Flying, but strangely, with feet on the ground. Practical flying. Sustainable for life? Would've been, given different circumstances.
The second was also epic, in its own way. Not quite a roller coaster, but definite movie moments, although mostly available in audio only. Attraction (or intrigue?) at first sight, and love at second speak. lol. Flying for a bit, then mostly running, with head firmly in clouds. Sustainable? Maybe, but it didn't happen that way.
The third wasn't so much epic as long-drawn. A sensible, sane start, and a lacklustre end. No first-sight element to speak of, and walking most of the way. Sustainable - no. Falling into love, as opposed to falling in love.
Concealment. I started this blog initially because I'd grown tired of my webpage. All names had to be concealed. References made had to be oblique, for preservation of identities, privacy and God knows what else. It was very trying. So I decided to start a blog nobody would know about, and just be myself. Looking back over what I've just written, the names seem to have fallen out again, and the references are becoming rather confused in their attempts not to divulge revealing facts.
So I've decided to have two blogs. This will remain, as my personal blog, consisting mainly of touchy feely sad rants at the world, and the people around me that paint me as your typical, depressed, angsty individual. Names will continue to be dropped from time to time, except those involving individuals who may be reading this since you all already know who you are. There's so few of you anyhow! :)
The other is going to be at http://drgoat.blogspot.com and is going to be modelled after drsheep.com - unabashedly, shamelessly plugging the author, and how wonderful he thinks he is. Also to poke fun at all things shiny, Singaporean, and generally pathetic.
It's time, methinks, I grew up and joined my own genre. The guys like http://tictactone.com and http://the2ndrule.com - peeps who were once my classmates and friends, and contemporaries.
