Truths of Old

and suddenly its done. words transmuted into actions and a lot of tears both ways and bizarrly we're both amicably good friends now. and part of me is relieved, so, so relieved. I hear the silence in my mind again - I can see through the noise. There isn't so much of it anymore. And part of me is terrified, and sad. I wonder, hundreds of miles away, did You get back together with him? after all I'm sure I'm doing exactly what you did then. I don't need to know - I don't *want* to follow in your footsteps. But the uncanny similarities in things we did and thought make me wonder all the same. And what will become of us, from the now? Dear, sweet L, you did so much for me. So, so much. But perhaps that was the problem. We didn't need to do things for each other - we needed to make each other do things for ourselves. I loved her - and love her still - for her devotion and her acts of caring. But the significance of things always felt lacking to me, and - as one can tell, trawling back through these entries - my state of mind changed. I drifted. I became... listless. I returned to my default state of K-itis. I let her down so much, waiting for me to surprise her and sweep her off her feet. I didn't do enough - but I couldn't think with all that noise - ugly noise - in the background. I didn't want to become egocentric, like everyone else around me - but the only escape was simply not to think. and not to say. Just... slide. And now I'm back and thinking, and secure, and at peace again - so how was it just this morning I was holding someone, and we were both gradually dampening each others shirt sleeves and shirt-backs. I miss you, and I did love you. still do. But sometimes, as the song goes, love just ain't enough.