Sunday, February 09, 2003
It's funny how I know every now and then I've had a dream about you. I can never really remember what the dream was about, but the fact that I can't - subconsciously erased from memory? - and that certain funny sad feeling I have let me know sure enough. It's like the way certain scents trigger certain memories. Maybe I've just been thinking about you a little more than I should. Couldn't help it the other day, opening a flip top bottle. I just remember. And it saddens me a little more than it should. Me, the master of euphemism. Who needs to be Master of the World then, when I have the State of Euphemism. Flippancy will get you nowhere, but flattery will get you everywhere.
So I wonder why I'm doing this, why, as a friend of mine used to say I'm having a bout of K****-itis. I wanted to type your name out in full for once, but I just couldn't... I guess I'm jut not that happy with my life. I'm getting good at being a Working Professional, sussing out my job. Working from common sense, and it seems to click. I just need to pick up a little more knowledge, and have the rest of my life to do that, to get really good at this. I've got a steady relationship, which is good, but somehow seems slightly empty to me. Good, but not Good enough. In short, Floundering. I remember you telling me something similar a lifetime ago, about a guy you used to go out with. And suddenly I'm standing on a razor's edge, wondering why? Where's that laugh, that smile... those eyes.
It seems so surreal that I once knew You. But I remember it, from a distance, far away. And it was awesome. You were awesome. I was lucky. Now I'm not.
And the damndest thing is I still miss you. 7 years down the line, going strong. All I can do is tell myself I don't know you anymore. And maybe I never did.
I miss confiding in you. And hearing your thoughts about my incessant rambles. And hearing you laugh at my attempts at wit. The current other half doesn't understand them. Will I end my days with her? I guess security is just so comfortable. And comforting. But so unfulfilling at times.
I did all this to forget you. I lost you to forget you. And I still remember.
Do you remember asking me where I wanted to go from here, and that the ball was in my court? I wish I'd seized the day and told you where I wanted to go. But I wasn't sure what you wanted, so I kept quiet. Funny thing is, given another chance... I don't know if I'd have done any different. I never wanted to hurt you. Above all, above everything... I wanted to keep you safe, and happy. And I still hurt you. And me.
I guess I need a K****-ectomy.
Or perhaps a full frontal lobectomy, if not a full bottle in front of me.
So I wonder why I'm doing this, why, as a friend of mine used to say I'm having a bout of K****-itis. I wanted to type your name out in full for once, but I just couldn't... I guess I'm jut not that happy with my life. I'm getting good at being a Working Professional, sussing out my job. Working from common sense, and it seems to click. I just need to pick up a little more knowledge, and have the rest of my life to do that, to get really good at this. I've got a steady relationship, which is good, but somehow seems slightly empty to me. Good, but not Good enough. In short, Floundering. I remember you telling me something similar a lifetime ago, about a guy you used to go out with. And suddenly I'm standing on a razor's edge, wondering why? Where's that laugh, that smile... those eyes.
It seems so surreal that I once knew You. But I remember it, from a distance, far away. And it was awesome. You were awesome. I was lucky. Now I'm not.
And the damndest thing is I still miss you. 7 years down the line, going strong. All I can do is tell myself I don't know you anymore. And maybe I never did.
I miss confiding in you. And hearing your thoughts about my incessant rambles. And hearing you laugh at my attempts at wit. The current other half doesn't understand them. Will I end my days with her? I guess security is just so comfortable. And comforting. But so unfulfilling at times.
I did all this to forget you. I lost you to forget you. And I still remember.
Do you remember asking me where I wanted to go from here, and that the ball was in my court? I wish I'd seized the day and told you where I wanted to go. But I wasn't sure what you wanted, so I kept quiet. Funny thing is, given another chance... I don't know if I'd have done any different. I never wanted to hurt you. Above all, above everything... I wanted to keep you safe, and happy. And I still hurt you. And me.
I guess I need a K****-ectomy.
Or perhaps a full frontal lobectomy, if not a full bottle in front of me.
