Sunday, January 16, 2005
A cute angle
"I dare you."
The words slid viscously through the air like treacle, much the same way they must have done a very long time ago in the Garden of Eden. (Although treacle probably hadn't been invented back then, and there were probably still some perverse creatures around which might actually have enjoyed it before they went extinct, like Winnie the Pooh for instance.)
Her eyes met his.
His heart didn't lift, stop or quicken. Time didn't stop, or even stumble a little. But he did raise an eyebrow a fraction of an inch, as the usual words of Wet Blanket Wisdom slipped unbidden into his mind : "I'm too old for games. I don't care what..." and slipped uncharacteristically out the other ear. (that's what you get for cleaning your ears too often. Thought incontinence.)
He thought "Oh, what the hell" and said to the petite waitress, "Oh, by the way, my friend here thinks you have a cute smile."
She blushed, and smiled, and looked down at her feet.
To be utterly honest, it was a lovely smile - not cute per se - he would never, upon pain of death employ that particularly hideous Americanism. But it was a gentle - and at the moment - extremely embarrassed smile. It looked better this way too, somehow.
He wondered if she was thinking "Oh God, why does this keep happening to me...", but in her silence he detected a fervent wish to escape from this obviouspredator poseur, so the follow-up quip : "This really isn't a come-on line... My friend here is straight. Sometimes." froze in his mouth. This wasn't the right kind of girl to kid around with. She was sweet, demure, and utterly defenceless.
She scurried away.
The moment passed.
He looked his smirking friend in the eye and growled "You set me up..."
She laughed.
I shall have my revenge...
*****
Heavy Metal
Oog. The gauntlet has been thrown. Clean across the room in fact, and right through the French window-panes, the downstairs Greenhouse, Spot the wonderdog, and Ms Marple. Blimey, someone hand me aclub bat, these emancipated new-age 90s women-types sure can throw.
Naturally, as a genuine 100% au-naturel "local Chinese Male" I am behooved to move to defend my noble bretheren...
Pause.
Wait, who am I kidding here, if I had a middle name it'd probably be Arnold, and we're not talking Schwarzie here. (Must I spell it out... Benedict. Okay, that one flew right by the cuckoo's nest, didn't it. Moving swiiiiftly on.)
Thank you Jean for your most exhaustively-researched "THE TITANIUM LIST OF ATTRIBUTES THAT CAUSE CHINESE MEN TO WANE IN POPULARITY"
Having never dated, nor for that matter ever even been faintly inclined to date a "local Chinese male" I'll simply have to agree with the bia... err lady, and bow deferentially.
Indeed, life as a local Chinese woman must be frustrating indeed. There simply aren't enough ang-moh men around these days, shakes head. Tis a shame they ceded sovereignty back to the aboriginal chinese immigrants and left forescore and umpteen years ago, innit?
(as a complete aside, one of my female friends once postulated that I must have a thing for blondes because of their "novelty" factor, in 99.999% oriental Singaland. Baaap. Wrong answer. Do remember that Re-minisce has spent nearly a third his life in a little backwater they call "The United Kingdom" freezing various bits of his anatomy off, foremost amongst which was thehellhole quaint little village they call "colchester".
Pregnant pause.
Baby pauses.
More baby pauses.
Mmmmmmm. Where was I? Oh yes. Colc... cough. Anyhow, no. Re-minisce is fairly certain he just likes flaxen-haired goddesses. It's not, apparently, a Y-chromosome specific defect either. In mitigation, I at least can plead that I have no desire to bear any blonde's babies. And God forbid, certainly not to stick around should that unthinkably happen. Cough.)
Allow me therefore, in my own extremely verbose and convoluted manner, to contribute to thisracist and mysogynistic meaningful and constructive debate with my own racist and mysogynistic insightful and penetrating societal stereotypes. confabulations. Err. Thoughts I mean.
THE STRONGTIUM MANUAL DETAILING THE (local) CHINESE WEMMEN'S WANING ALLURE
1.0 They have naturally-dyed browny-streaky-goldy hair.
Upon closer inspection, re-minisce is begining to wonder if perhaps a particularly virulent strain of fungus has descended upon the headpieces of the hapless female denizens of thepolice state garden city, and rendered their crowning glories into lacklustre, straggly imitations of the Real Thing. Which re-minisce must add in all fairness, is also straggly, split-ended, but at least does not, cough, shall we say, forget its roots.
I dunno. Sometimes one really has to wonder who the Singalandic female is dye-ing for. Or... for that matter... why?
Mmm. Perhaps a quick career switch to dermatology is in order here. Heh heh.
1.1 They are either too shy for most Singaporeansaps men, or too noisy for said macho-men's mothers.
Little-known (ha) fact about re-minisce is that the first-ever love of his life was no wilting flower. "New-age Women" in Singapore like to imagine that they are speaking their minds, when in fact they are sadly mistaken in their beliefs that they actually own minds to begin with. Too rarely does re-minisce encounter women warriors with rapier wits in this country... just little creatures carrying big words and preening lots. Strangely, over in the Land of Eternal Sun-shone-last-year, there were a lot more... extremely engaging females (of both the oriental and caucasian variety) who were engaging and witty, and a joy to interact with.
Having said that, local Chinese women who do not fall in the "all attitude no marriage-certificate" mold often shimmer gently instead in their "demure flower" stereotypes (translation gleaned from SheWhoMustNotBeNamed : "Shu-nu"), in order to, like the proverbial Fly Trap, ensnare an unsuspecting bee.
If there's one thing re-minisce hates more than a brazen obnoxious hussy, it's a spineless shell of a girl-child who has yet to figure out the essence of Modern-day Womanhood. If you're going to be a pushover, then for heavens sakes don't be surprised when he starts slapping you around and the "dream-marriage" falls apart.
Rule one. The less you have to prove - of either being ultra-subservient or uber-sassy : the more attractive you become.
Uh, caveat. To re-minisce, that is. Rule One may well not hold true for other less defective specimens on the Singalandic Male Meat Market. Or their Mummies. Especially their Mummies.
1.2 Indirect.
Chinese women need to know that if they really fancy a guy, then for Chrissakes spit it out already. Re-minisce has counselled what must feel like thousands of damsels in not-yet-distress pining over their spurned affections because the guy just don't get it. If you're going to play the coy lady (here, fishy fishy...) then at least make sure your target is a male capable of reading the signs (usually so subtle they would befuddle even the guys who built the Enigma machine). Unfortunately, literate males who take the time to read signs are usually either old enough to be your daddy, or gay.
So what if he ups and runs for his life? (which re-minisce has done a few times.) It's not like we're worth pining over, anyhow. Move on... (the way Jean seems to imagine you all do. Ha. Tell me another one, sam.)
1.3 Regardless of what they say, looks are always extremely important to women.
Ah, but a pretty face isn't sufficient these days, what with the proverbial Caucasian Man invading our besieged land. Nowadays women want The Body. Some women quote "muscle tone". Others just salivate or wet themselves over six-packs. You think we believe that you just... like to see, that's it? Ha. Tell us another one.
Confidence is important too. All women want a confident, gallant knight in shining armour who knows what he wants and has the swaggering arrogance to step up and take, and ravish it. And yet, at the same time, they want...
Humility, of the Teresian variety. They must not be arrogant per se, you see. Oh no, only women are permitted to be arrogent in these exhiliratingly emancipated times. Their men, on the other hand must be humble, but confident. Humble enough to see them as equals... (or in the case of... some... superiors.)
Other appealing personality traits :
Swaggering, but not brash.
Brave, but sensitive.
Strong, but gentle.
Firm, but loving.
Rich. But rich. Barring that, just have the earning power to single-handedly support the woman, the potential child or three, her academic interest in expensive shopping, jewellery and clothes.
Oh yes, and they must never, ever upon pain of death even insinuate that their woman is ,perhaps dear, just a teensy weeny bit over-demanding....
1.4 Mercenary
It doesn't matter if these guys "click" with them, have IQs above 180, crack show-stopping whoppers, or are just fascinating to the cannot-tear-your-eyes-off-him-extent to talk to. As long as their wallet is not large enough, the women will not have them.
1.5 Egoistical
It's even better if the guys prostrate themselves on their doorsteps and plaster themselves to their front-gates in a vain attempt to win her spurious affections. Which Chinese woman wouldn't want her ego masturbated now and again?
1.6 Imperseverant
Many Chinese women like to think that they actually deserve to have real hunks, who just happen to be Sensitive New-Age Gym-bunnies. Unfortunately, as their due-date approaches (ie 22) they relinquish their dreams like so many rats abandoning a sinking ship, and settle for some sap they think is utterly hideous instead. Thirty years of He's Not Handsome but I Love Him Anyway jokes later, they wonder why their husbands are leaving them for some preteen who thinks the world of him...
1.7 Deluded
Some Chinese women just have levels of self-confidence that are 1000ft-above Mount Everest and imagine that they are at least as gorgeous as Cindy Crawford, without, thank God, that ugly mole, and that their ugly little man would never, ever leave them. Not even if she cheats on him. Or thinks about cheating on him, and very considerately of course, tells him all about it.
1.8 Inferiority complex
Some Chinese women have been so well brainwashed by their mothers that they feel that they cannot appear richer, cleverer, smarter or more educated than their man in public. Woe betide our hapless hero into thinking he has it good though,
once in private Shrinking Violet's true colours show, and poor Forrest Gump is wondering how on earth he's managed to hook up with a sheer and abject schizo just like his mummy when he'd been so careful...
Truth is we don't want someone to stand behind us. We want them to stand beside us. Well, at least I do.
1.9 Unable to stomach criticism
Any bloke who dares prick a Chinese bird's ego is labelled as a bastard by her, her friends, her extended family, and her adoring entourage. Very discreet one, no questions asked, no attempt to clarify misunderstandings - auto-bastard mode, engaged. If he happens to be a working professional, or speak in complete sentences then this is also automatically held against him. Should he employ logic in his line of defence then he is merciless and cold-hearted to boot, however were he to wield wit then he would be guilty of obfuscation and being manipulative. Any intelligent man worth his salt would simply... not prick a Chinese bird's ego to begin with. Heh.
2.0 All words and all words.
That's what many Chinese women in relationships are guilty of. Yakyakyak, yakyak. Yak. (The more perceptive of us occasionally notice, but never of course point out that many of the yaks are not quite in consensus with one another, but what can you expect from shaggy white mountain goats anyhow)
And then they blame their men for seeking solace in the arms of a female friend who actually understands how to listen. So what if, ahem, one thing leads to ano...
2.1 Exhibitionalistic (See "inferiority complex", "egoistical", "deluded", and add "vain".)
Chinese women want to dress with their dresses cut down to there, and their skirts slit up to there, even when the couple's just going to a there as high-society as a hawker centre. Worse still, they also expect their man to dress to the nines complete with dinner jacket and bowtie in a tropical climate.
Okay, perhaps that was unfair. Only some women (ugh, another bad memory) expect this. Many women don't give a toss what their man is wearing, as long as they can dress beautifully enough to be ogled by everyone else's boyfriend. And then they wonder why their man gets jealous... or when he does the old reversi trick and ogles someone else's girlfriend (hey, fair's fair) they get all mopey and upset. Geesh.
2.2 Won't talk about sex
Sex is a taboo subject to talk about if you want to impress a Chinese woman. Dirty jokes on a date are a definite no-no. She'll just think you're the player that you are, and then for some funny reason, hold it against you.
Instead, talk about loving dogs, children, and home-cooked meals, and building empires (so that she will not need to bring home any bacon. Women love being tai tais for some reason.)
2.3 Self-centred
Lots of local Chinese women hate it when their male counterparts shop a lot for themselves. Their excuse, "If you really had so much money, why didn't you spend it all on me instead? Are you homo?"
(the correct answer in this case is to preen, and say "no, I am metro!"
2.4 Emotional Leeches
The importance of romance in relationships increases exponentially the longer your stay together gets, judging from the actions of many a Singaporean Chinese woman. It gets exhausting to the point that one simply doesn't feel inclined to try anymore.
So what if I forgot our third second-anniversary-of-the-day-after-we-met? So what if I'm neglecting you while I study for the Biggest Exam I will Ever Take in my Entire Life which will Make Me Unemployed If I Fail It??
Why can't you see that the things I do do for you, I do because I love you... instead of focusing on all the things I didn't do for you?
And why are you keeping score?
Wake up, women. If you want your man to stay romantic, don't demand it of him... do in kind, and trust that he will continue to be. Unless of course he is straight. Cough.
God's honest truth now. If he really loves you, he will remain romantic till the day you die. Or he dies.
2.5 Know-it-alls
Most Chinese women like to think that their opinions are greater than fact. This is a fact, as evidenced by re-minisce's aunty's assertion that tea has more caffeine in it than coffee. This fact is borne out more obviously the older a woman gets, and by the time she becomes a mother-in-law it shines forth like a beacon of darkness in the shining light to the unsuspecting new boyfriend / daughter's love interest.
Though it be fact, re-minisce suspects some woman's opinion is about to supercede it shortly...
2.6 Bad Listeners
Chinese women lack the ability to listen.
They are always too busy talking. They never notice when your initial look of intense puzzlement fades into glassy-eyed disinterest, and for some reason construe this as a look of intensity, when in fact you are thinking "I wonder what's for dessert" or "I wonder who won the football tonight".
"Conversation" (Solliloquay in "me" sharp major) topics often include Themselves, Themselves, Their Clothes, and Themselves.
2.7 Quick to leap, slow to read
When Chinese women read god's honest truth, like "singaporean girls on the other hand are often hideous, whingy, chinky, mercenary, boring as a wet towel, and superficial in the extreme." they take the huffy highground that the writer clearly isn't getting any.
Read again, babe. "Are often... etc" was an observation. Which is a hell of a lot less inclusive than "When Chinese men... they". It at least gives the benefit of the doubt to the few good Singaporean women out there who don't fit the mold.
2.8 Can I meet your grammar?
Chinese women have poor spelling and grammar. Eg. it's "Chinese men have poor grammar" and not "Chinese men, have poor grammar."
It's okay. I'm not picky. Honest.
Who am I to pick on anybody's England anyhow, me, I'm just a regular guy who scratches in the dirt with my club like everyone else. The only puncturation I'd like to do is... snigger.
I don't hold a person's educational background against him/her. Education is acquired. Language is an ability, not a talent.
It's resistance to improvement that irks me.
2.9 Salacious
Many Chinese women like to live in themselves. They just love digging up everyone else's former scandals to make themselves look and feel good.
*****
All written tongue in cheek of course. heh heh.
Re-minisce is well aware that there are a few good (local Chinese) women left out there. Feel free to leave your telephone numbers here. Or better yet, credit card details. Preferably titanium.
Right back at ya. Do your worst.
The words slid viscously through the air like treacle, much the same way they must have done a very long time ago in the Garden of Eden. (Although treacle probably hadn't been invented back then, and there were probably still some perverse creatures around which might actually have enjoyed it before they went extinct, like Winnie the Pooh for instance.)
Her eyes met his.
His heart didn't lift, stop or quicken. Time didn't stop, or even stumble a little. But he did raise an eyebrow a fraction of an inch, as the usual words of Wet Blanket Wisdom slipped unbidden into his mind : "I'm too old for games. I don't care what..." and slipped uncharacteristically out the other ear. (that's what you get for cleaning your ears too often. Thought incontinence.)
He thought "Oh, what the hell" and said to the petite waitress, "Oh, by the way, my friend here thinks you have a cute smile."
She blushed, and smiled, and looked down at her feet.
To be utterly honest, it was a lovely smile - not cute per se - he would never, upon pain of death employ that particularly hideous Americanism. But it was a gentle - and at the moment - extremely embarrassed smile. It looked better this way too, somehow.
He wondered if she was thinking "Oh God, why does this keep happening to me...", but in her silence he detected a fervent wish to escape from this obvious
She scurried away.
The moment passed.
He looked his smirking friend in the eye and growled "You set me up..."
She laughed.
I shall have my revenge...
*****
Heavy Metal
Oog. The gauntlet has been thrown. Clean across the room in fact, and right through the French window-panes, the downstairs Greenhouse, Spot the wonderdog, and Ms Marple. Blimey, someone hand me a
Naturally, as a genuine 100% au-naturel "local Chinese Male" I am behooved to move to defend my noble bretheren...
Pause.
Wait, who am I kidding here, if I had a middle name it'd probably be Arnold, and we're not talking Schwarzie here. (Must I spell it out... Benedict. Okay, that one flew right by the cuckoo's nest, didn't it. Moving swiiiiftly on.)
Thank you Jean for your most exhaustively-researched "THE TITANIUM LIST OF ATTRIBUTES THAT CAUSE CHINESE MEN TO WANE IN POPULARITY"
Having never dated, nor for that matter ever even been faintly inclined to date a "local Chinese male" I'll simply have to agree with the bia... err lady, and bow deferentially.
Indeed, life as a local Chinese woman must be frustrating indeed. There simply aren't enough ang-moh men around these days, shakes head. Tis a shame they ceded sovereignty back to the aboriginal chinese immigrants and left forescore and umpteen years ago, innit?
(as a complete aside, one of my female friends once postulated that I must have a thing for blondes because of their "novelty" factor, in 99.999% oriental Singaland. Baaap. Wrong answer. Do remember that Re-minisce has spent nearly a third his life in a little backwater they call "The United Kingdom" freezing various bits of his anatomy off, foremost amongst which was the
Pregnant pause.
Baby pauses.
More baby pauses.
Mmmmmmm. Where was I? Oh yes. Colc... cough. Anyhow, no. Re-minisce is fairly certain he just likes flaxen-haired goddesses. It's not, apparently, a Y-chromosome specific defect either. In mitigation, I at least can plead that I have no desire to bear any blonde's babies. And God forbid, certainly not to stick around should that unthinkably happen. Cough.)
Allow me therefore, in my own extremely verbose and convoluted manner, to contribute to this
THE STRONGTIUM MANUAL DETAILING THE (local) CHINESE WEMMEN'S WANING ALLURE
1.0 They have naturally-dyed browny-streaky-goldy hair.
Upon closer inspection, re-minisce is begining to wonder if perhaps a particularly virulent strain of fungus has descended upon the headpieces of the hapless female denizens of the
I dunno. Sometimes one really has to wonder who the Singalandic female is dye-ing for. Or... for that matter... why?
Mmm. Perhaps a quick career switch to dermatology is in order here. Heh heh.
1.1 They are either too shy for most Singaporean
Little-known (ha) fact about re-minisce is that the first-ever love of his life was no wilting flower. "New-age Women" in Singapore like to imagine that they are speaking their minds, when in fact they are sadly mistaken in their beliefs that they actually own minds to begin with. Too rarely does re-minisce encounter women warriors with rapier wits in this country... just little creatures carrying big words and preening lots. Strangely, over in the Land of Eternal Sun-shone-last-year, there were a lot more... extremely engaging females (of both the oriental and caucasian variety) who were engaging and witty, and a joy to interact with.
Having said that, local Chinese women who do not fall in the "all attitude no marriage-certificate" mold often shimmer gently instead in their "demure flower" stereotypes (translation gleaned from SheWhoMustNotBeNamed : "Shu-nu"), in order to, like the proverbial Fly Trap, ensnare an unsuspecting bee.
If there's one thing re-minisce hates more than a brazen obnoxious hussy, it's a spineless shell of a girl-child who has yet to figure out the essence of Modern-day Womanhood. If you're going to be a pushover, then for heavens sakes don't be surprised when he starts slapping you around and the "dream-marriage" falls apart.
Rule one. The less you have to prove - of either being ultra-subservient or uber-sassy : the more attractive you become.
Uh, caveat. To re-minisce, that is. Rule One may well not hold true for other less defective specimens on the Singalandic Male Meat Market. Or their Mummies. Especially their Mummies.
1.2 Indirect.
Chinese women need to know that if they really fancy a guy, then for Chrissakes spit it out already. Re-minisce has counselled what must feel like thousands of damsels in not-yet-distress pining over their spurned affections because the guy just don't get it. If you're going to play the coy lady (here, fishy fishy...) then at least make sure your target is a male capable of reading the signs (usually so subtle they would befuddle even the guys who built the Enigma machine). Unfortunately, literate males who take the time to read signs are usually either old enough to be your daddy, or gay.
So what if he ups and runs for his life? (which re-minisce has done a few times.) It's not like we're worth pining over, anyhow. Move on... (the way Jean seems to imagine you all do. Ha. Tell me another one, sam.)
1.3 Regardless of what they say, looks are always extremely important to women.
Ah, but a pretty face isn't sufficient these days, what with the proverbial Caucasian Man invading our besieged land. Nowadays women want The Body. Some women quote "muscle tone". Others just salivate or wet themselves over six-packs. You think we believe that you just... like to see, that's it? Ha. Tell us another one.
Confidence is important too. All women want a confident, gallant knight in shining armour who knows what he wants and has the swaggering arrogance to step up and take, and ravish it. And yet, at the same time, they want...
Humility, of the Teresian variety. They must not be arrogant per se, you see. Oh no, only women are permitted to be arrogent in these exhiliratingly emancipated times. Their men, on the other hand must be humble, but confident. Humble enough to see them as equals... (or in the case of... some... superiors.)
Other appealing personality traits :
Swaggering, but not brash.
Brave, but sensitive.
Strong, but gentle.
Firm, but loving.
Rich. But rich. Barring that, just have the earning power to single-handedly support the woman, the potential child or three, her academic interest in expensive shopping, jewellery and clothes.
Oh yes, and they must never, ever upon pain of death even insinuate that their woman is ,perhaps dear, just a teensy weeny bit over-demanding....
1.4 Mercenary
It doesn't matter if these guys "click" with them, have IQs above 180, crack show-stopping whoppers, or are just fascinating to the cannot-tear-your-eyes-off-him-extent to talk to. As long as their wallet is not large enough, the women will not have them.
1.5 Egoistical
It's even better if the guys prostrate themselves on their doorsteps and plaster themselves to their front-gates in a vain attempt to win her spurious affections. Which Chinese woman wouldn't want her ego masturbated now and again?
1.6 Imperseverant
Many Chinese women like to think that they actually deserve to have real hunks, who just happen to be Sensitive New-Age Gym-bunnies. Unfortunately, as their due-date approaches (ie 22) they relinquish their dreams like so many rats abandoning a sinking ship, and settle for some sap they think is utterly hideous instead. Thirty years of He's Not Handsome but I Love Him Anyway jokes later, they wonder why their husbands are leaving them for some preteen who thinks the world of him...
1.7 Deluded
Some Chinese women just have levels of self-confidence that are 1000ft-above Mount Everest and imagine that they are at least as gorgeous as Cindy Crawford, without, thank God, that ugly mole, and that their ugly little man would never, ever leave them. Not even if she cheats on him. Or thinks about cheating on him, and very considerately of course, tells him all about it.
1.8 Inferiority complex
Some Chinese women have been so well brainwashed by their mothers that they feel that they cannot appear richer, cleverer, smarter or more educated than their man in public. Woe betide our hapless hero into thinking he has it good though,
once in private Shrinking Violet's true colours show, and poor Forrest Gump is wondering how on earth he's managed to hook up with a sheer and abject schizo just like his mummy when he'd been so careful...
Truth is we don't want someone to stand behind us. We want them to stand beside us. Well, at least I do.
1.9 Unable to stomach criticism
Any bloke who dares prick a Chinese bird's ego is labelled as a bastard by her, her friends, her extended family, and her adoring entourage. Very discreet one, no questions asked, no attempt to clarify misunderstandings - auto-bastard mode, engaged. If he happens to be a working professional, or speak in complete sentences then this is also automatically held against him. Should he employ logic in his line of defence then he is merciless and cold-hearted to boot, however were he to wield wit then he would be guilty of obfuscation and being manipulative. Any intelligent man worth his salt would simply... not prick a Chinese bird's ego to begin with. Heh.
2.0 All words and all words.
That's what many Chinese women in relationships are guilty of. Yakyakyak, yakyak. Yak. (The more perceptive of us occasionally notice, but never of course point out that many of the yaks are not quite in consensus with one another, but what can you expect from shaggy white mountain goats anyhow)
And then they blame their men for seeking solace in the arms of a female friend who actually understands how to listen. So what if, ahem, one thing leads to ano...
2.1 Exhibitionalistic (See "inferiority complex", "egoistical", "deluded", and add "vain".)
Chinese women want to dress with their dresses cut down to there, and their skirts slit up to there, even when the couple's just going to a there as high-society as a hawker centre. Worse still, they also expect their man to dress to the nines complete with dinner jacket and bowtie in a tropical climate.
Okay, perhaps that was unfair. Only some women (ugh, another bad memory) expect this. Many women don't give a toss what their man is wearing, as long as they can dress beautifully enough to be ogled by everyone else's boyfriend. And then they wonder why their man gets jealous... or when he does the old reversi trick and ogles someone else's girlfriend (hey, fair's fair) they get all mopey and upset. Geesh.
2.2 Won't talk about sex
Sex is a taboo subject to talk about if you want to impress a Chinese woman. Dirty jokes on a date are a definite no-no. She'll just think you're the player that you are, and then for some funny reason, hold it against you.
Instead, talk about loving dogs, children, and home-cooked meals, and building empires (so that she will not need to bring home any bacon. Women love being tai tais for some reason.)
2.3 Self-centred
Lots of local Chinese women hate it when their male counterparts shop a lot for themselves. Their excuse, "If you really had so much money, why didn't you spend it all on me instead? Are you homo?"
(the correct answer in this case is to preen, and say "no, I am metro!"
2.4 Emotional Leeches
The importance of romance in relationships increases exponentially the longer your stay together gets, judging from the actions of many a Singaporean Chinese woman. It gets exhausting to the point that one simply doesn't feel inclined to try anymore.
So what if I forgot our third second-anniversary-of-the-day-after-we-met? So what if I'm neglecting you while I study for the Biggest Exam I will Ever Take in my Entire Life which will Make Me Unemployed If I Fail It??
Why can't you see that the things I do do for you, I do because I love you... instead of focusing on all the things I didn't do for you?
And why are you keeping score?
Wake up, women. If you want your man to stay romantic, don't demand it of him... do in kind, and trust that he will continue to be. Unless of course he is straight. Cough.
God's honest truth now. If he really loves you, he will remain romantic till the day you die. Or he dies.
2.5 Know-it-alls
Most Chinese women like to think that their opinions are greater than fact. This is a fact, as evidenced by re-minisce's aunty's assertion that tea has more caffeine in it than coffee. This fact is borne out more obviously the older a woman gets, and by the time she becomes a mother-in-law it shines forth like a beacon of darkness in the shining light to the unsuspecting new boyfriend / daughter's love interest.
Though it be fact, re-minisce suspects some woman's opinion is about to supercede it shortly...
2.6 Bad Listeners
Chinese women lack the ability to listen.
They are always too busy talking. They never notice when your initial look of intense puzzlement fades into glassy-eyed disinterest, and for some reason construe this as a look of intensity, when in fact you are thinking "I wonder what's for dessert" or "I wonder who won the football tonight".
"Conversation" (Solliloquay in "me" sharp major) topics often include Themselves, Themselves, Their Clothes, and Themselves.
2.7 Quick to leap, slow to read
When Chinese women read god's honest truth, like "singaporean girls on the other hand are often hideous, whingy, chinky, mercenary, boring as a wet towel, and superficial in the extreme." they take the huffy highground that the writer clearly isn't getting any.
Read again, babe. "Are often... etc" was an observation. Which is a hell of a lot less inclusive than "When Chinese men... they". It at least gives the benefit of the doubt to the few good Singaporean women out there who don't fit the mold.
2.8 Can I meet your grammar?
Chinese women have poor spelling and grammar. Eg. it's "Chinese men have poor grammar" and not "Chinese men, have poor grammar."
It's okay. I'm not picky. Honest.
Who am I to pick on anybody's England anyhow, me, I'm just a regular guy who scratches in the dirt with my club like everyone else. The only puncturation I'd like to do is... snigger.
I don't hold a person's educational background against him/her. Education is acquired. Language is an ability, not a talent.
It's resistance to improvement that irks me.
2.9 Salacious
Many Chinese women like to live in themselves. They just love digging up everyone else's former scandals to make themselves look and feel good.
*****
All written tongue in cheek of course. heh heh.
Re-minisce is well aware that there are a few good (local Chinese) women left out there. Feel free to leave your telephone numbers here. Or better yet, credit card details. Preferably titanium.
Right back at ya. Do your worst.
