Monday, May 03, 2004
I, masochist
does pain / sorrow / tears / anger between 2 people make what they have any less worth remembering?
rethinking.
I am no masochist. One of the best years of my life came about largely, I suspect, because I was truly happy.
But the moments of significance included times when I was quite the reverse.
For I too believe in Happiness of the Other, even at the cost of my own. And that at times will make sadness inevitable.
Part of me is at one with the masses brought up on Hollywood nutra-sweet. I too desperately yearn for the eternal sunshine of a spotless mind (note to self, must catch movie, even if it's got Jim Carrey in it).
But an older part of me recognises now that pain, sorrow, tears and sadness are inevitable in this life. They are part of our humanity.
If the tears are inflicted intentionally, they detract from my significance.
Tears - I have received. And given. Base humanity. Black.
If the fears are shared, if they are directed at common goals or targets they add to the significance, for my significance, methinks, lies in sharing and mutuality. Two people in tandem, both prepared to be unhappy to make the other happy - but always with the underlying trust that the giving will be freely done, and never abused or demanded. White.
If the tears are apathetic, just one of those things that happens. Accidental. Painful to one, frustrating to the other, moments to be wallpapered over with consoling never-minds and admissions of miscommunication, and possibly even incompatability : then these are the mundane moments that flood our lives between points of significance.
These add nothing to my significances, nor do they detract. Worth remembering, or not? Grey.
Which would I rather?
I'd rather clear horizons. Balmy offshore winds in my hair. A lifetime of laughter.
I want to be happy. Utopia.
But, older and wiser now, I'll settle for life. Not merely the mundane, but the significant.
A whiter shade of pale.
*****
Parting is...
More on significance. There can be significance in loss.
Every goodbye is important - today is fragile. Tomorrow brings with it all manner of the unknown. An unexpected traincrash, an unpredictable apathy. September 11th.
When you ushered me out of the hall, abruptly that day, as I prepared to make that now-mundane nine-hour trainride - you were curt. Almost angry, as if this Goodbye was inconvenient. Defensive barriers brought to bay. Your heart, before mine.
When you asked me later - what had I expected. Tears??
Is that what I wanted?
I expected anything but apathy. And my sadness wasn't so much in the utter lack of sadness, but in the passage of a shadow across my soul
This one does not understand, or share my significances.
This is not The One.
For this term I bandy around ad nauseum (significance) is something intrinsic that is learnt from within, and cannot be taught from without.
The end of an era foreshadowed.
There is a significance too in reunion. Waiting. Surviving. Joy. Re-creation. But this significance is obvious to most, and bears not reiterating.
*****
The Projectionist's Nightmare
Sometimes, re-reading these words that I have chosen - and that oftimes have chosen me, I have to pause and wonder :
word-projectionist? or word-pornographer.
:|
rethinking.
I am no masochist. One of the best years of my life came about largely, I suspect, because I was truly happy.
But the moments of significance included times when I was quite the reverse.
For I too believe in Happiness of the Other, even at the cost of my own. And that at times will make sadness inevitable.
Part of me is at one with the masses brought up on Hollywood nutra-sweet. I too desperately yearn for the eternal sunshine of a spotless mind (note to self, must catch movie, even if it's got Jim Carrey in it).
But an older part of me recognises now that pain, sorrow, tears and sadness are inevitable in this life. They are part of our humanity.
If the tears are inflicted intentionally, they detract from my significance.
Tears - I have received. And given. Base humanity. Black.
If the fears are shared, if they are directed at common goals or targets they add to the significance, for my significance, methinks, lies in sharing and mutuality. Two people in tandem, both prepared to be unhappy to make the other happy - but always with the underlying trust that the giving will be freely done, and never abused or demanded. White.
If the tears are apathetic, just one of those things that happens. Accidental. Painful to one, frustrating to the other, moments to be wallpapered over with consoling never-minds and admissions of miscommunication, and possibly even incompatability : then these are the mundane moments that flood our lives between points of significance.
These add nothing to my significances, nor do they detract. Worth remembering, or not? Grey.
Which would I rather?
I'd rather clear horizons. Balmy offshore winds in my hair. A lifetime of laughter.
I want to be happy. Utopia.
But, older and wiser now, I'll settle for life. Not merely the mundane, but the significant.
A whiter shade of pale.
*****
Parting is...
More on significance. There can be significance in loss.
Every goodbye is important - today is fragile. Tomorrow brings with it all manner of the unknown. An unexpected traincrash, an unpredictable apathy. September 11th.
When you ushered me out of the hall, abruptly that day, as I prepared to make that now-mundane nine-hour trainride - you were curt. Almost angry, as if this Goodbye was inconvenient. Defensive barriers brought to bay. Your heart, before mine.
When you asked me later - what had I expected. Tears??
Is that what I wanted?
I expected anything but apathy. And my sadness wasn't so much in the utter lack of sadness, but in the passage of a shadow across my soul
This one does not understand, or share my significances.
This is not The One.
For this term I bandy around ad nauseum (significance) is something intrinsic that is learnt from within, and cannot be taught from without.
The end of an era foreshadowed.
There is a significance too in reunion. Waiting. Surviving. Joy. Re-creation. But this significance is obvious to most, and bears not reiterating.
*****
The Projectionist's Nightmare
Sometimes, re-reading these words that I have chosen - and that oftimes have chosen me, I have to pause and wonder :
word-projectionist? or word-pornographer.
:|
