Thursday, August 21, 2003
Doctor's Blog,
Stardate 21.08.2003
******
Annual Leave, Day 3
The more perceptive amongst you will notice that Day 2 is conspicuously missing. I shan't delve into detail, but I had to take some time out to repair the fabric of the space time continuum and restore order to the universe as the chaos lining my bedroom floor was threatening to migrate out the front door and spread to the Universe at Large.
Nonetheless, the deed is done and I return to my museless musings. Which can be amusing, at times. That's when I can't think of more than one muse.
Anywho.
A letter I encountered not-so-recently a few days back, on my random river walks down the Thames. I'd hoped to scan this in for posterity, but posterity didn't want anything to do with it, and anyhow I haven't got a scanner. So I'll just have to settle for describing it with the meagre words I have.
It's a little scrap from a notebook - you know, those notebooks that are longer than they are wide, but thinner than both, with little blue lines across it? - dated Tues, 24 June 03.
In a large, childish scrawl,
"Dear clare i like you you r my best f riend love nono"
And in reply, a neat, feminine hand:
"Dear Nono
I think you are a very Sweet boy.
I hope you remain the same as a grown man
love,
Marie-Claire"
What secrets this little forlorn shred of paper, lying in the gutter next to Blackfriar's Bridge holds I can only begin to imagine. A sweet, heartwarming tale of a unrequited love? A prepubescent crush on the Older Woman teacher? A shared moment between two friends from different worlds?
And why was the page ripped angrily from the notebook and cast adrift into the sea of humanity flowing ceaselessly across Blackfriar's bridge?
I can only imagine, and wonder.
Another encounter, online this time.
I read with amusement 99 must-knows about men another blog-author put on her site, and, sorry Frozen! I don't know you... but I just have to put in my tuppence, burst your bubble, discolour your rose (also commonly the colour used to describe midly bloodstained urine in Medicine, written rose, with a little dash over the "e") tinted world-view, and generally, as Terry Pratchett would say, Prod buttock.
1. Guys don't actually go after good-looking girls. They prefer neat and presentable girls.
Uh, well, actually...
2. Guys hate flirts.
True. Flirtettes on the other hand, can be quite delicious. :) Get your minds out of the gutter! I was talking about intellectual intercourse. For starters, of course. ;)
3. A guy can like you for a minute, and then forget you afterwards.
Yes, that does tend to happen after head trauma. We like to call that selective amnesia. It's much like selective hearing, only much less memorable. The precipitating factor is often a severe blow to the senses, such as is delivered by a passing fast, sleek female. Occasionally particular constituent parts of the female are sufficient to precipitate this effect, if they are, ahem, outstanding enough.
4. When a guy says he doesn't understand you, it simply means you're not thinking the way he is.
That's completely untrue. 25 days a month guys are fully capable of understanding girls. The other four to seven days are reserved for football, fastcars, laptops, football, and occasionally femalesonlaptops.
5. "Are you doing something?" or "Have you eaten already?" are the first usual questions a guy asks on the phone just to get out from stammering.
Funny. "Uh, Hi!" seems to work for me. Cmon, give us a break. Not all guys are verbally impedimented. Some of us can actually manage to be almost intelligible, once in a blue supernova. Some of us just have slower processing units with limited multiprocessing abilities, hence, whilst for some of us "Uh,Hi!" works well enough, the tried and trusted "Are you... doing... something..." (the answer to which is obviously Yes, be it speaking to you! breathing, respiring, making little peristaltic movements : GI, not GU of course etc) that typically accompanies blasting that nasty terrorist off the pretty landscape of counterstrike, railgunning that demented demon off the face of Quakeworld, or bashing that hideous little night elf to bits on the the warcraft battlefield is often the answer of choice.
6. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.
Uh. Well, funnily enough, most guys I know only seem to talk about dreams of the... moist variety.
But I concede, yes, I am myself guilty of the above. Not the drippy dreams, I mean.
7. When a guy really likes you, he'll disregard all your bad characteristics.
Don't be silly. The only way a guy will disregard all your bad characteristics will be if he's deaf and blind, and mildly mentally impaired to boot. Or dead.
When a guy really likes you, he notices, and appreciates your "bad" characteristics. And forgives you for them, and maybe even loves you for them, for making you a more complete person.
8. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.
Err. Wee-ell... let's just say that's not the usual choice of anatomy amongst most males.
But damn yeah. I have done.
Though truth be told, the first thing I fell for were her eyes.
9. Guys will do anything just to get the girl's attention.
True.
Some select warped individuals do anything to lose her attention too. More often after marriage.
10. Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend.
True, unless you accompany it with suitable swear words. Also see 82.
11. When guys want to meet your parents. Let them.
Hmm. You must have rich parents.
12. Guys want to tell you many things but they can't. And they sure have one habit to gain courage and spirit to tell you many things and it is drinking!
Really? I thought we drank for the alcohol. Dammit, we're just so damn noble after all! Give this man a tiger! and a drink too!
Truth be told, completely sobre-ly, many guys have trouble communicating their feelings to women. A large proportion are simply linguistically challenged. The rest of us find we just can't make the words come out, and the wittiest retort to a maddening woman's onslaughts that we can come up with is often "..."
you have to give us credit, it's hard to pronounce three dots.
13. Guys cry!!!
Yes, onions have that effect sometimes.
14. Don't provoke the guy to heat up. Believe me. He will.
I find using a thermostat much less fuss and bother.
15. Guys can never dream and hope too much.
I'll just do my little three dot thing here.
16. Guys usually try hard to get the girl who has dumped them, and this makes it harder for them to accept their defeat.
Get her what?
Defeat? Most guys consider a girl a conquest won the moment his uh. nevermind.
17. When you touch a guy's heart, there's no turning back.
Funny. We must be using different words for the same piece of anatomy. Perhaps you meant head?
You've obviously forgotten myth #3 above.
18. Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?!..uh...never mind!" would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking.
And what, precisely, are you thinking, when you say "You know what?!..uh...never mind!"
I'm guessing it's like the male equivalent of "..." with a lot of superfluous words added.
19. Guys go crazy when girls touch their hands.
Different strokes, different folks. Again, I'm guessing you meant "head".
Oh dear. I'm so horrible, aren't I. No, seriously, when you get your hands on, they do go wild. It's like Ling's knee-pit trick in Ally Mcbeal. Our hands are our Achilles heels. (You don't want to know what our heels do) What touching our hands does to us makes what catnip does to cats look mild. It's a good thing Sally didn't touch Harry's hands in the diner or they'd have had a mutual simultaneous orgasm in public.
20. Guys are good flatterers when courting but they usually stammer when they talk to a girl they really like.
We, we, we do?
I don't seem to remember having that particular problem. Granted, I did falter once and just stare into her eyes for a minute because, well, because I had a rather disquieting sensation of drowning. But nonetheless, I continued with nary the trace of a stammer.
abbadee abbadee abbadee that's all folks. not.
21. When a guy makes a prolonged "umm" or makes any excuses when you're asking him to do you a favor, he's actually saying that he doesn't like you and he can't lay down the card for you.
huh? what's laying cards got to do with this. Don't be ridiculous. We're not machines. Your wish is certainly not our command. Doesn't mean we don't like or love you.
22. When a girl says "no", a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
Uh, that is, unfortunately, true. Especially when the subject involves, uh, youknow.
23. You have to tell a guy what you really want before he gets the message clearly.
True. Unfortunately, unless you speak clearly, slowly, and enunciate, messages tend to get lost somewhere between the auditory centres and the cerebral cortex, usually at the football nucleus. Occasionally at the Maxim gyrus.
24. Guys hate gays!
I'm sure the feeling is mutual. not lol.
25. Guys love their moms. (????!??!??!!!?!?!)
Hi mom, I love you! (and I dont even need those question marks either)
26. A guy would sacrifice his money for lunch just to get you a couple of roses.
WHAT? Don't be absurd. Have you no sense of priorities girl? You can't eat roses. Well, actually I suppose you could. "..."
27. A guy often thinks about the girl who likes him. But this doesn't mean that the guy likes her.
Yes, but then again girls do the same. It's called ego-masturbation. Everyone likes to have their egos massaged, even if its all 1 way.
28. You can never understand him unless you listen to him.
I suppose you could get him to communicate with animal noises or sign language if you're into that kinda stuff.
29. If a guy tells you he loves you once in a lifetime. He does.
Can anyone spell G U L L I... damn. how do you spell it again.
I dunno. Sometimes we say it a few more times in our lifetimes. Occasionally even to the same girl. Although, it must be admitted, marriage tends to reduce the frequency.
30. Beware. Guys can make gossips scatter through half of the face of the earth faster than girls can.
Yes. Baseball bats, knuckle dusters and 12 guage shotguns can have that effect sometimes.
31. Like Eve, girls are guys' weaknesses.
Could you introduce this Eve to me, Pllllease?
(and correct me if I'm wrong, Eve was a girl. I hope. Plllease.)
32. Guys are very open about themselves.
Er.
"..."
33. It's good to test a guy first before you believe him. But don't let him wait that long.
Yes, our limited attention spans generally result in us taking that curry / other girl detour. It's those damn curry / football nucleus and shagging gyri at work.
34. No guy is bad when he is courting
I know lots of guys who are bad at courting. Some of them are lawyers.
35. Guys hate it when their clothes get dirty. Even a small dot.
Yes, I especially hate it when my small dot gets dirty.
I'll show you mine if you show me yours!
36. Guys really admire girls that they like even if they're not that much pretty.
Hmm. 1 word, 2 syllables. (and many boobies and booties)
Maxim.
37. Your best friend, whom your boyfriend seeks help from about his problems with you may end up being admired by your boyfriend.
I'm assuming again, different word, same concept. Admired, in a horizontal position, yes? In a rather, ah, entranced fashion?
38. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice.
Funny. When a girl tells you about her day, you dont really get to get anything at all in edgewise, she just needs someone (or something) to listen to her. Listening optional.
39. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.
Gee. And we thought girls who were teases liked US!
Or at least are gonna shag us eventually. Screw the liking stuff.
No, seriously, if a guy teases you, he does probably like you. Unless he keeps telling you you're so fat your momma... jokes. Then he's probably just teasing you. Although there are some guys who...
40. A guy finds ways to keep you off from linking with someone else.
Yes, baseball bats, knuckle dusters and 12 guage shotguns can be surprisingly versatile in expert hands.
41. Guys love girls with brains more than girls in miniskirts.
Yes, that's true. But girls out of miniskirts tend to win I'm afraid. And I'm not sure girls in miniskirts do love girls with brains. Although the mental imagery is rather interesting.
And a girl with brains? Oh look! I think a pig just flew by my window. Or maybe that was just my reflection :)
42. Guys try to find the stuffed toy a girl wants but would unluckily get the wrong one.
Yes, that stuffed football is just what she will want! While we're at it, lets get this stuffed optimus prime, I'm sure she'll go gaga over it.
Funnily enough, I think I once got someone just the right stuffed bear. I hope.
43. Guys virtually brag about anything.
Sometimes we do it literally too!
44. Guys cannot keep secrets that girls tell them.
Girls wouldn't know a secret if it came up and prodded them in the buttocks. Virtually the best way to get news around is by telling a girl "don't tell anyone, but..."
45. Guys think too much.
"..."
46. Guys' fantasies are unlimited.
That's an unfair generalisation. Many of them are bounded by strict codes governing sexuality, eg no animals or children. Granted, a few individuals do have boundless imaginations. They generally wind up in jail.
47. Girls' height doesn't really matter to a guy but her weight does!
Something seems to be wrong with that sentence. Let me think.
Girls height doesnt matter to a girl but her weight does.
Guys weight doesnt really matter to a girl but his height does.
Girls weight doesnt matter to a guy, but her brasize does. "..."
48. Guys tend to get serious with their relationship and become too possessive. So watch out girls!!!
damn baseball bats.
49. When a girl makes the boy suffer during courtship, it would be hard for him to let go of that girl.
Yes, although, unfortunately one of the hallmarks of forensic medicine is the finger marks around the victim's throat.
50. It's not easy for a guy to let go of his girlfriend after they broke up especially when they've been together for 3 years or more.
See 49 above. Especially if marriage involved.
51. You have to tell a guy what you really want before getting involved with that guy.
Yes. It would be a refreshing change if the woman just confessed to wanting a large part of your income to buy flashy clothes with, instead of the usual baloney about wanting to nebulously "share your life".
52. A guy has to experience rejection, because if he's too-good-never-been-busted, never been in love and hurt, he won't be matured and grow up.
A girl has to experience rejection, because if she's too-good-never-been-busted, never been in love and hurt, her head will remain firmly in the natural anatomical position, namely firmly wedged up her posterior.
If you think that was unfair, then so is 52. :)
53. When an unlikable circumstance comes, guys blame themselves a lot more than girls do. They could even hurt themselves physically.
That's odd. All the girls who come into A&E who cut themselves are... girls. And all the guys who come into A&E after hurting OTHER guys are... guys. I must be missing something here.
54. Guys have strong passion to change but have weak will power.
Confucious say : Woman have strong passion not to shop but have weak willpower.
Man have strong passion to change. Bills too.
55. Guys are tigers in their peer groups but become tamed pussycats with their girlfriends.
Err. Here pussy pussy pussy...
56. When a guy pretends to be calm, check if he's sweating. You'll probably see that he is nervous.
Or maybe he's just hot.
Women, of course, just perspire.
57. When a guy says he is going crazy about the girl. He really is.
Yes, the finger marks are often the corroborating evidence. drat.
58. When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying, "Please come and listen to me"
Yes, please. I really want to be alone right now, I need some time to think things out in the peace and quiet of my own mind, away from everyone else. I'm really just asking for you to listen to my poor angsty self, but I'll just pretend I'd like to take a walk, AWAY FROM YOU. THIS ISN'T REALLY ME GETTING FRUSTRATED AT YOUR BLOODY ****ING CLINGINESS SO KEEP TALKING, THIS ISN'T REALLY ME PUTTING MY FINGERS AROUND YOUR THROAT IT'S JUST A SIGN OF MY SINCERE AND FRIENDLY AFFECTION FOR YOU...
hmph.
oh, and by the way, it can be pretty hard to pronounce four asterixes.
59. Guys don't really have final decisions.
True. No, false. No, True I think. Wait let me think that one out.
Say, have you ever watched Who wants to be a millionaire?
60. When a guy loves you, bring out the best in him.
Funny. Most girls seem to take a "When a Guy Loves you, bring him out in his Best" approach.
61. If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him.
When a girl starts to talk seriously... oh look, there's that flying pig again. It's waving.
62. If a guy has been kept shut or silent, say something.
Like open sesame?
Sometimes Abramybrafalloff works too.
63. Guys believe that there's no such thing as love at first sight, but court the girls anyway and then realize at the end that he is wrong.
Yes, there is no such thing as love at second, or third sight either. How devastating for us romantics amongst the male subspecies. There is only, youknow.
On a serious note (somewhere between A flat and B sharp) I STILL believe in love at first sight, despite, shall we say, entire aeroplane loads of emotional baggage.
64. Guys like femininity not feebleness.
Three words.
Lara croft.
Naked.
65. Guys don't like girls who punch harder than they do.
Funnily enough, I knew a female who knocked a would-be robber down with her elbow, and I loved her for it.
Of course, we didn't actually get around to hitting each other. I might have changed my mind otherwise. And possibly my sternum.
66. A guy may instantly know if the girl likes him but can never be sure unless the girl tells him.
It's all in the pheremones. Again, animal noises and semaphore can be surprisingly useful.
67. A guy would waste his time over video games and basketball, the way a girl would do over her romance novels and make-ups.
We prefer to think of that as constructive use of available resources.
68. Guys love girls who can cook or bake.
True. Preferably both, and doing the washing up is an especially appealing trait.
69. Guys like girls who are like their moms. No kidding!
see 68.
70. A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes.
I know this is, like a really taboo and personal question to ask a girl, but have you considered spectacles instead?
71. A guy's friend knows everything about him. Use this to your advantage.
A girls enemies know everything about her...
I'd like to see a girl infiltrate the defences of the brotherhood of the Y chromosome.
72. Don't be a snob. Guys may easily give up on the first sign of rejection.
True. Guys recognise that there are many other sexier and faster models out there who are less snobbish. Oh, and that applies to girls too.
73. Don't be biased. Try loving a guy without prejudice and you'll be surprised.
Yes, I'm sure Malcolm X was a blast. And what a big man, too! In history I mean. Whoever his story involved.
74. Girls who bathe in their eau de perfumes do more repelling than attracting guys.
...
Isn't that terribly. dehydrating.
75. Guys are more talkative than girls are especially when the topic is about girls.
Let me think. "Yeah, and she had breasts the size of melons the size of small continents, and her legs went on, and on, and on, up to her neck, and then on to the couch, and did I mention her brea..."
Agreed.
76. Guys don't comprehend the statement "Get lost" too well.
Yes, it's because we have such consummate senses of direction.
77. Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions but still love them more.
More than what? (suspicious look)
Cars?
Football?
Curry?
Youknow?
78. When a guy gives a crooked or pretentious grin at your jokes, he finds them offending and he just tried to be polite.
pause.
*grin*
pause.
Okay, dammit i gottasaythis, if I must say so, biatch, that was the goddamn worse effing joke I ever heard in my miserable life! There. Glad I got that off your chest. And my face hurts.
79. Guys don't care about how shiny their shoes are unlike girls.
Untrue.
Guys - badly scuffed shoes? Time to get out the polish.
Girls - slighly scuffed shoes? Time to get out the credit card.
80. Guys tend to generalize about girls but once they get to know them, they'll realize they're wrong.
3 words.
qns 1 - 99
81. Any guy can handle his problems all by his own. He's just too stubborn to deal with it.
Yes dammit, I'm so stubborn I think I'll enlist a girl to help me solve my problems.
Oh wait, I think I'll just use her for youknow and solve them myself.
Say maybe that will solve my problems. Youknow.
82. Guys find it so objectionable when a girl swears.
Err. Some guys find it a turn on. Especially during youknow. I think.
83. Guys' weakest point is at the knee.
Actually is at wallet.
84. When a problem arises, a guy usually keeps himself cool but is already thinking of a way out.
Are we talking a four lettered word starting with "B" and ending with "Y" here?
True.
85. When a guy is conscious of his looks, it shows he is not good at fixing things.
When a girl is unconscious of her loo... hello mr flying pig! How're you doin!
86. When a guy looks at you, either he's amazed of you or he's criticizing you.
Yes, that's exactly why we look at other women all the time. We're criticising them. With all our tiny little hearts.
87. When you catch him cheating on you and he asks for a second chance, give it to him. But when you catch him again and he asks for another chance, ignore him.
Let me write this down, it might come in useful someday.
88. If a guy lets you go, he really loves you.
Ah. Not to play devil's advocate here but...
Okay. I admit this one is, to me at least, very, very true.
89. If you have a boyfriend, and your boy best friend always glances at you and it obviously shows that he is jealous whenever you're with your boyfriend, all I can say is your boy best friend loves you more than your boyfriend does.
Yes, quite. Presumably your boyfriend is too busy scuffling around in his pocket for his foldable swiss army knife (with deluxe baseball bat, knuckle duster and 12 guage shotgun attachments) to glance at you with quite the same frequency.
90. Guys learn from experience not from the romance books that girls read and take as their basis of experience.
Wouldn't it be disturbing if we all learnt from romance books instead. Pass the trashy romance novel please, I'm in the mood for some education today. Could I borrow your bra while I'm at it.
91. You can tell if a guy is really hurt or in pain when he cries in front of you!
Damn onions
92. If a guy suddenly asks you for a date, ask him first why.
Dates can be handy little fruits when applied creatively.
Sometimes knowing the date can come in useful too. Like this is my pet date Bob, he's a little wrinkled and a bit of a prude i mean prune, but he's a nice enough little whatsit. Came from Pittsburg.
Cmon. Get real. You really think he's gonna say "So I can buy you lots of alcohol to get you rather more than moderately inebriated and uninhibited enough for me to get into your pants by the end of the evening for a bit of good old youknow?"
93. When a guy says he can't sleep if he doesn't hear your voice even just for one night, hang up. He also tells that to another girl. He only flatters you and sometimes makes fun of you.
Have you considered a career in the pharmaceutical industry as a professional sedative?
94. You can truly say that a guy has good intentions if you see him praying sometimes.
Dear God, please forgive me for I knew not what I did...
(usually in reference to recent marriage)
95. Guys seek for advice not from a guy but from a girl.
Yes, it goes with our insane paranoia of competition from, and utter inability to bond with members of the same sex. Besides, what could other guys tell us about things like our playstation games, cars, football, curries and other womanly things?
96. Girls are allowed to touch boys' things. Not their hair!
Well, if he's going to leave it lying around for you to touch...
(which things exactly, just out of curiosity..... nudge nudge wink wink)
97. If a guy says you're beautiful, that guy likes you.
Yes, flattery will get us everywhere. Youknow.
98. Guys hate girls who overreact.
Too bloody goddamned true that is, you cant speak that right enough, i mean, like seriously, just the other day there was this STUPID WOMAN and she TOTALLY LIKE PISSED ME OFF because she kept flicking her hair to the LEFT INSTEAD OF THE RIGHT, and I mean like...
I wonder why guys hate girls who overreact? I mean, like isn't that totally hideous, repulsive, repugnant, and more offensive than a moldy cheese on a bad fur day?
99. Guys love you more than you love them if they are serious in your relationships
I'll devote a little bit to this one.
qn 99 truly saddens me. Because so many girls really seem to believe in it.
And they feel empowered by it. And so they abuse their men. And massage their fragile little egos.
Get this straight, girls.
1 to 98 were jokes. This last is not.
If you really want your relationship to go somewhere, YOU have to love him, more than YOU love YOU, in your mind. And YOU have to be prepared to give freely, and completely, to him.
And unless he feels the same way in return, through some freak chance of circumstance, it won't ever be even remotely serious.
This is Dr Agonyuncle, signing out.
Stardate 21.08.2003
******
Annual Leave, Day 3
The more perceptive amongst you will notice that Day 2 is conspicuously missing. I shan't delve into detail, but I had to take some time out to repair the fabric of the space time continuum and restore order to the universe as the chaos lining my bedroom floor was threatening to migrate out the front door and spread to the Universe at Large.
Nonetheless, the deed is done and I return to my museless musings. Which can be amusing, at times. That's when I can't think of more than one muse.
Anywho.
A letter I encountered not-so-recently a few days back, on my random river walks down the Thames. I'd hoped to scan this in for posterity, but posterity didn't want anything to do with it, and anyhow I haven't got a scanner. So I'll just have to settle for describing it with the meagre words I have.
It's a little scrap from a notebook - you know, those notebooks that are longer than they are wide, but thinner than both, with little blue lines across it? - dated Tues, 24 June 03.
In a large, childish scrawl,
"Dear clare i like you you r my best f riend love nono"
And in reply, a neat, feminine hand:
"Dear Nono
I think you are a very Sweet boy.
I hope you remain the same as a grown man
love,
Marie-Claire"
What secrets this little forlorn shred of paper, lying in the gutter next to Blackfriar's Bridge holds I can only begin to imagine. A sweet, heartwarming tale of a unrequited love? A prepubescent crush on the Older Woman teacher? A shared moment between two friends from different worlds?
And why was the page ripped angrily from the notebook and cast adrift into the sea of humanity flowing ceaselessly across Blackfriar's bridge?
I can only imagine, and wonder.
Another encounter, online this time.
I read with amusement 99 must-knows about men another blog-author put on her site, and, sorry Frozen! I don't know you... but I just have to put in my tuppence, burst your bubble, discolour your rose (also commonly the colour used to describe midly bloodstained urine in Medicine, written rose, with a little dash over the "e") tinted world-view, and generally, as Terry Pratchett would say, Prod buttock.
1. Guys don't actually go after good-looking girls. They prefer neat and presentable girls.
Uh, well, actually...
2. Guys hate flirts.
True. Flirtettes on the other hand, can be quite delicious. :) Get your minds out of the gutter! I was talking about intellectual intercourse. For starters, of course. ;)
3. A guy can like you for a minute, and then forget you afterwards.
Yes, that does tend to happen after head trauma. We like to call that selective amnesia. It's much like selective hearing, only much less memorable. The precipitating factor is often a severe blow to the senses, such as is delivered by a passing fast, sleek female. Occasionally particular constituent parts of the female are sufficient to precipitate this effect, if they are, ahem, outstanding enough.
4. When a guy says he doesn't understand you, it simply means you're not thinking the way he is.
That's completely untrue. 25 days a month guys are fully capable of understanding girls. The other four to seven days are reserved for football, fastcars, laptops, football, and occasionally femalesonlaptops.
5. "Are you doing something?" or "Have you eaten already?" are the first usual questions a guy asks on the phone just to get out from stammering.
Funny. "Uh, Hi!" seems to work for me. Cmon, give us a break. Not all guys are verbally impedimented. Some of us can actually manage to be almost intelligible, once in a blue supernova. Some of us just have slower processing units with limited multiprocessing abilities, hence, whilst for some of us "Uh,Hi!" works well enough, the tried and trusted "Are you... doing... something..." (the answer to which is obviously Yes, be it speaking to you! breathing, respiring, making little peristaltic movements : GI, not GU of course etc) that typically accompanies blasting that nasty terrorist off the pretty landscape of counterstrike, railgunning that demented demon off the face of Quakeworld, or bashing that hideous little night elf to bits on the the warcraft battlefield is often the answer of choice.
6. Guys may be flirting around all day but before they go to sleep, they always think about the girl they truly care about.
Uh. Well, funnily enough, most guys I know only seem to talk about dreams of the... moist variety.
But I concede, yes, I am myself guilty of the above. Not the drippy dreams, I mean.
7. When a guy really likes you, he'll disregard all your bad characteristics.
Don't be silly. The only way a guy will disregard all your bad characteristics will be if he's deaf and blind, and mildly mentally impaired to boot. Or dead.
When a guy really likes you, he notices, and appreciates your "bad" characteristics. And forgives you for them, and maybe even loves you for them, for making you a more complete person.
8. Guys go crazy over a girl's smile.
Err. Wee-ell... let's just say that's not the usual choice of anatomy amongst most males.
But damn yeah. I have done.
Though truth be told, the first thing I fell for were her eyes.
9. Guys will do anything just to get the girl's attention.
True.
Some select warped individuals do anything to lose her attention too. More often after marriage.
10. Guys hate it when you talk about your ex-boyfriend.
True, unless you accompany it with suitable swear words. Also see 82.
11. When guys want to meet your parents. Let them.
Hmm. You must have rich parents.
12. Guys want to tell you many things but they can't. And they sure have one habit to gain courage and spirit to tell you many things and it is drinking!
Really? I thought we drank for the alcohol. Dammit, we're just so damn noble after all! Give this man a tiger! and a drink too!
Truth be told, completely sobre-ly, many guys have trouble communicating their feelings to women. A large proportion are simply linguistically challenged. The rest of us find we just can't make the words come out, and the wittiest retort to a maddening woman's onslaughts that we can come up with is often "..."
you have to give us credit, it's hard to pronounce three dots.
13. Guys cry!!!
Yes, onions have that effect sometimes.
14. Don't provoke the guy to heat up. Believe me. He will.
I find using a thermostat much less fuss and bother.
15. Guys can never dream and hope too much.
I'll just do my little three dot thing here.
16. Guys usually try hard to get the girl who has dumped them, and this makes it harder for them to accept their defeat.
Get her what?
Defeat? Most guys consider a girl a conquest won the moment his uh. nevermind.
17. When you touch a guy's heart, there's no turning back.
Funny. We must be using different words for the same piece of anatomy. Perhaps you meant head?
You've obviously forgotten myth #3 above.
18. Giving a guy a hanging message like "You know what?!..uh...never mind!" would make him jump to a conclusion that is far from what you are thinking.
And what, precisely, are you thinking, when you say "You know what?!..uh...never mind!"
I'm guessing it's like the male equivalent of "..." with a lot of superfluous words added.
19. Guys go crazy when girls touch their hands.
Different strokes, different folks. Again, I'm guessing you meant "head".
Oh dear. I'm so horrible, aren't I. No, seriously, when you get your hands on, they do go wild. It's like Ling's knee-pit trick in Ally Mcbeal. Our hands are our Achilles heels. (You don't want to know what our heels do) What touching our hands does to us makes what catnip does to cats look mild. It's a good thing Sally didn't touch Harry's hands in the diner or they'd have had a mutual simultaneous orgasm in public.
20. Guys are good flatterers when courting but they usually stammer when they talk to a girl they really like.
We, we, we do?
I don't seem to remember having that particular problem. Granted, I did falter once and just stare into her eyes for a minute because, well, because I had a rather disquieting sensation of drowning. But nonetheless, I continued with nary the trace of a stammer.
abbadee abbadee abbadee that's all folks. not.
21. When a guy makes a prolonged "umm" or makes any excuses when you're asking him to do you a favor, he's actually saying that he doesn't like you and he can't lay down the card for you.
huh? what's laying cards got to do with this. Don't be ridiculous. We're not machines. Your wish is certainly not our command. Doesn't mean we don't like or love you.
22. When a girl says "no", a guy hears it as "try again tomorrow."
Uh, that is, unfortunately, true. Especially when the subject involves, uh, youknow.
23. You have to tell a guy what you really want before he gets the message clearly.
True. Unfortunately, unless you speak clearly, slowly, and enunciate, messages tend to get lost somewhere between the auditory centres and the cerebral cortex, usually at the football nucleus. Occasionally at the Maxim gyrus.
24. Guys hate gays!
I'm sure the feeling is mutual. not lol.
25. Guys love their moms. (????!??!??!!!?!?!)
Hi mom, I love you! (and I dont even need those question marks either)
26. A guy would sacrifice his money for lunch just to get you a couple of roses.
WHAT? Don't be absurd. Have you no sense of priorities girl? You can't eat roses. Well, actually I suppose you could. "..."
27. A guy often thinks about the girl who likes him. But this doesn't mean that the guy likes her.
Yes, but then again girls do the same. It's called ego-masturbation. Everyone likes to have their egos massaged, even if its all 1 way.
28. You can never understand him unless you listen to him.
I suppose you could get him to communicate with animal noises or sign language if you're into that kinda stuff.
29. If a guy tells you he loves you once in a lifetime. He does.
Can anyone spell G U L L I... damn. how do you spell it again.
I dunno. Sometimes we say it a few more times in our lifetimes. Occasionally even to the same girl. Although, it must be admitted, marriage tends to reduce the frequency.
30. Beware. Guys can make gossips scatter through half of the face of the earth faster than girls can.
Yes. Baseball bats, knuckle dusters and 12 guage shotguns can have that effect sometimes.
31. Like Eve, girls are guys' weaknesses.
Could you introduce this Eve to me, Pllllease?
(and correct me if I'm wrong, Eve was a girl. I hope. Plllease.)
32. Guys are very open about themselves.
Er.
"..."
33. It's good to test a guy first before you believe him. But don't let him wait that long.
Yes, our limited attention spans generally result in us taking that curry / other girl detour. It's those damn curry / football nucleus and shagging gyri at work.
34. No guy is bad when he is courting
I know lots of guys who are bad at courting. Some of them are lawyers.
35. Guys hate it when their clothes get dirty. Even a small dot.
Yes, I especially hate it when my small dot gets dirty.
I'll show you mine if you show me yours!
36. Guys really admire girls that they like even if they're not that much pretty.
Hmm. 1 word, 2 syllables. (and many boobies and booties)
Maxim.
37. Your best friend, whom your boyfriend seeks help from about his problems with you may end up being admired by your boyfriend.
I'm assuming again, different word, same concept. Admired, in a horizontal position, yes? In a rather, ah, entranced fashion?
38. If a guy tells you about his problems, he just needs someone to listen to him. You don't need to give advice.
Funny. When a girl tells you about her day, you dont really get to get anything at all in edgewise, she just needs someone (or something) to listen to her. Listening optional.
39. A usual act that proves that the guy likes you is when he teases you.
Gee. And we thought girls who were teases liked US!
Or at least are gonna shag us eventually. Screw the liking stuff.
No, seriously, if a guy teases you, he does probably like you. Unless he keeps telling you you're so fat your momma... jokes. Then he's probably just teasing you. Although there are some guys who...
40. A guy finds ways to keep you off from linking with someone else.
Yes, baseball bats, knuckle dusters and 12 guage shotguns can be surprisingly versatile in expert hands.
41. Guys love girls with brains more than girls in miniskirts.
Yes, that's true. But girls out of miniskirts tend to win I'm afraid. And I'm not sure girls in miniskirts do love girls with brains. Although the mental imagery is rather interesting.
And a girl with brains? Oh look! I think a pig just flew by my window. Or maybe that was just my reflection :)
42. Guys try to find the stuffed toy a girl wants but would unluckily get the wrong one.
Yes, that stuffed football is just what she will want! While we're at it, lets get this stuffed optimus prime, I'm sure she'll go gaga over it.
Funnily enough, I think I once got someone just the right stuffed bear. I hope.
43. Guys virtually brag about anything.
Sometimes we do it literally too!
44. Guys cannot keep secrets that girls tell them.
Girls wouldn't know a secret if it came up and prodded them in the buttocks. Virtually the best way to get news around is by telling a girl "don't tell anyone, but..."
45. Guys think too much.
"..."
46. Guys' fantasies are unlimited.
That's an unfair generalisation. Many of them are bounded by strict codes governing sexuality, eg no animals or children. Granted, a few individuals do have boundless imaginations. They generally wind up in jail.
47. Girls' height doesn't really matter to a guy but her weight does!
Something seems to be wrong with that sentence. Let me think.
Girls height doesnt matter to a girl but her weight does.
Guys weight doesnt really matter to a girl but his height does.
Girls weight doesnt matter to a guy, but her brasize does. "..."
48. Guys tend to get serious with their relationship and become too possessive. So watch out girls!!!
damn baseball bats.
49. When a girl makes the boy suffer during courtship, it would be hard for him to let go of that girl.
Yes, although, unfortunately one of the hallmarks of forensic medicine is the finger marks around the victim's throat.
50. It's not easy for a guy to let go of his girlfriend after they broke up especially when they've been together for 3 years or more.
See 49 above. Especially if marriage involved.
51. You have to tell a guy what you really want before getting involved with that guy.
Yes. It would be a refreshing change if the woman just confessed to wanting a large part of your income to buy flashy clothes with, instead of the usual baloney about wanting to nebulously "share your life".
52. A guy has to experience rejection, because if he's too-good-never-been-busted, never been in love and hurt, he won't be matured and grow up.
A girl has to experience rejection, because if she's too-good-never-been-busted, never been in love and hurt, her head will remain firmly in the natural anatomical position, namely firmly wedged up her posterior.
If you think that was unfair, then so is 52. :)
53. When an unlikable circumstance comes, guys blame themselves a lot more than girls do. They could even hurt themselves physically.
That's odd. All the girls who come into A&E who cut themselves are... girls. And all the guys who come into A&E after hurting OTHER guys are... guys. I must be missing something here.
54. Guys have strong passion to change but have weak will power.
Confucious say : Woman have strong passion not to shop but have weak willpower.
Man have strong passion to change. Bills too.
55. Guys are tigers in their peer groups but become tamed pussycats with their girlfriends.
Err. Here pussy pussy pussy...
56. When a guy pretends to be calm, check if he's sweating. You'll probably see that he is nervous.
Or maybe he's just hot.
Women, of course, just perspire.
57. When a guy says he is going crazy about the girl. He really is.
Yes, the finger marks are often the corroborating evidence. drat.
58. When a guy asks you to leave him alone, he's just actually saying, "Please come and listen to me"
Yes, please. I really want to be alone right now, I need some time to think things out in the peace and quiet of my own mind, away from everyone else. I'm really just asking for you to listen to my poor angsty self, but I'll just pretend I'd like to take a walk, AWAY FROM YOU. THIS ISN'T REALLY ME GETTING FRUSTRATED AT YOUR BLOODY ****ING CLINGINESS SO KEEP TALKING, THIS ISN'T REALLY ME PUTTING MY FINGERS AROUND YOUR THROAT IT'S JUST A SIGN OF MY SINCERE AND FRIENDLY AFFECTION FOR YOU...
hmph.
oh, and by the way, it can be pretty hard to pronounce four asterixes.
59. Guys don't really have final decisions.
True. No, false. No, True I think. Wait let me think that one out.
Say, have you ever watched Who wants to be a millionaire?
60. When a guy loves you, bring out the best in him.
Funny. Most girls seem to take a "When a Guy Loves you, bring him out in his Best" approach.
61. If a guy starts to talk seriously, listen to him.
When a girl starts to talk seriously... oh look, there's that flying pig again. It's waving.
62. If a guy has been kept shut or silent, say something.
Like open sesame?
Sometimes Abramybrafalloff works too.
63. Guys believe that there's no such thing as love at first sight, but court the girls anyway and then realize at the end that he is wrong.
Yes, there is no such thing as love at second, or third sight either. How devastating for us romantics amongst the male subspecies. There is only, youknow.
On a serious note (somewhere between A flat and B sharp) I STILL believe in love at first sight, despite, shall we say, entire aeroplane loads of emotional baggage.
64. Guys like femininity not feebleness.
Three words.
Lara croft.
Naked.
65. Guys don't like girls who punch harder than they do.
Funnily enough, I knew a female who knocked a would-be robber down with her elbow, and I loved her for it.
Of course, we didn't actually get around to hitting each other. I might have changed my mind otherwise. And possibly my sternum.
66. A guy may instantly know if the girl likes him but can never be sure unless the girl tells him.
It's all in the pheremones. Again, animal noises and semaphore can be surprisingly useful.
67. A guy would waste his time over video games and basketball, the way a girl would do over her romance novels and make-ups.
We prefer to think of that as constructive use of available resources.
68. Guys love girls who can cook or bake.
True. Preferably both, and doing the washing up is an especially appealing trait.
69. Guys like girls who are like their moms. No kidding!
see 68.
70. A guy has more problems than you can see with your naked eyes.
I know this is, like a really taboo and personal question to ask a girl, but have you considered spectacles instead?
71. A guy's friend knows everything about him. Use this to your advantage.
A girls enemies know everything about her...
I'd like to see a girl infiltrate the defences of the brotherhood of the Y chromosome.
72. Don't be a snob. Guys may easily give up on the first sign of rejection.
True. Guys recognise that there are many other sexier and faster models out there who are less snobbish. Oh, and that applies to girls too.
73. Don't be biased. Try loving a guy without prejudice and you'll be surprised.
Yes, I'm sure Malcolm X was a blast. And what a big man, too! In history I mean. Whoever his story involved.
74. Girls who bathe in their eau de perfumes do more repelling than attracting guys.
...
Isn't that terribly. dehydrating.
75. Guys are more talkative than girls are especially when the topic is about girls.
Let me think. "Yeah, and she had breasts the size of melons the size of small continents, and her legs went on, and on, and on, up to her neck, and then on to the couch, and did I mention her brea..."
Agreed.
76. Guys don't comprehend the statement "Get lost" too well.
Yes, it's because we have such consummate senses of direction.
77. Guys really think that girls are strange and have unpredictable decisions but still love them more.
More than what? (suspicious look)
Cars?
Football?
Curry?
Youknow?
78. When a guy gives a crooked or pretentious grin at your jokes, he finds them offending and he just tried to be polite.
pause.
*grin*
pause.
Okay, dammit i gottasaythis, if I must say so, biatch, that was the goddamn worse effing joke I ever heard in my miserable life! There. Glad I got that off your chest. And my face hurts.
79. Guys don't care about how shiny their shoes are unlike girls.
Untrue.
Guys - badly scuffed shoes? Time to get out the polish.
Girls - slighly scuffed shoes? Time to get out the credit card.
80. Guys tend to generalize about girls but once they get to know them, they'll realize they're wrong.
3 words.
qns 1 - 99
81. Any guy can handle his problems all by his own. He's just too stubborn to deal with it.
Yes dammit, I'm so stubborn I think I'll enlist a girl to help me solve my problems.
Oh wait, I think I'll just use her for youknow and solve them myself.
Say maybe that will solve my problems. Youknow.
82. Guys find it so objectionable when a girl swears.
Err. Some guys find it a turn on. Especially during youknow. I think.
83. Guys' weakest point is at the knee.
Actually is at wallet.
84. When a problem arises, a guy usually keeps himself cool but is already thinking of a way out.
Are we talking a four lettered word starting with "B" and ending with "Y" here?
True.
85. When a guy is conscious of his looks, it shows he is not good at fixing things.
When a girl is unconscious of her loo... hello mr flying pig! How're you doin!
86. When a guy looks at you, either he's amazed of you or he's criticizing you.
Yes, that's exactly why we look at other women all the time. We're criticising them. With all our tiny little hearts.
87. When you catch him cheating on you and he asks for a second chance, give it to him. But when you catch him again and he asks for another chance, ignore him.
Let me write this down, it might come in useful someday.
88. If a guy lets you go, he really loves you.
Ah. Not to play devil's advocate here but...
Okay. I admit this one is, to me at least, very, very true.
89. If you have a boyfriend, and your boy best friend always glances at you and it obviously shows that he is jealous whenever you're with your boyfriend, all I can say is your boy best friend loves you more than your boyfriend does.
Yes, quite. Presumably your boyfriend is too busy scuffling around in his pocket for his foldable swiss army knife (with deluxe baseball bat, knuckle duster and 12 guage shotgun attachments) to glance at you with quite the same frequency.
90. Guys learn from experience not from the romance books that girls read and take as their basis of experience.
Wouldn't it be disturbing if we all learnt from romance books instead. Pass the trashy romance novel please, I'm in the mood for some education today. Could I borrow your bra while I'm at it.
91. You can tell if a guy is really hurt or in pain when he cries in front of you!
Damn onions
92. If a guy suddenly asks you for a date, ask him first why.
Dates can be handy little fruits when applied creatively.
Sometimes knowing the date can come in useful too. Like this is my pet date Bob, he's a little wrinkled and a bit of a prude i mean prune, but he's a nice enough little whatsit. Came from Pittsburg.
Cmon. Get real. You really think he's gonna say "So I can buy you lots of alcohol to get you rather more than moderately inebriated and uninhibited enough for me to get into your pants by the end of the evening for a bit of good old youknow?"
93. When a guy says he can't sleep if he doesn't hear your voice even just for one night, hang up. He also tells that to another girl. He only flatters you and sometimes makes fun of you.
Have you considered a career in the pharmaceutical industry as a professional sedative?
94. You can truly say that a guy has good intentions if you see him praying sometimes.
Dear God, please forgive me for I knew not what I did...
(usually in reference to recent marriage)
95. Guys seek for advice not from a guy but from a girl.
Yes, it goes with our insane paranoia of competition from, and utter inability to bond with members of the same sex. Besides, what could other guys tell us about things like our playstation games, cars, football, curries and other womanly things?
96. Girls are allowed to touch boys' things. Not their hair!
Well, if he's going to leave it lying around for you to touch...
(which things exactly, just out of curiosity..... nudge nudge wink wink)
97. If a guy says you're beautiful, that guy likes you.
Yes, flattery will get us everywhere. Youknow.
98. Guys hate girls who overreact.
Too bloody goddamned true that is, you cant speak that right enough, i mean, like seriously, just the other day there was this STUPID WOMAN and she TOTALLY LIKE PISSED ME OFF because she kept flicking her hair to the LEFT INSTEAD OF THE RIGHT, and I mean like...
I wonder why guys hate girls who overreact? I mean, like isn't that totally hideous, repulsive, repugnant, and more offensive than a moldy cheese on a bad fur day?
99. Guys love you more than you love them if they are serious in your relationships
I'll devote a little bit to this one.
qn 99 truly saddens me. Because so many girls really seem to believe in it.
And they feel empowered by it. And so they abuse their men. And massage their fragile little egos.
Get this straight, girls.
1 to 98 were jokes. This last is not.
If you really want your relationship to go somewhere, YOU have to love him, more than YOU love YOU, in your mind. And YOU have to be prepared to give freely, and completely, to him.
And unless he feels the same way in return, through some freak chance of circumstance, it won't ever be even remotely serious.
This is Dr Agonyuncle, signing out.
