Thursday, October 24, 2002
And so a month has flown by. Why don't I write? because, like everyone else, I become so immersed in everyday, so completely overwhelmed by my job (hmm perhaps it's not so much "like everyone else" but more "like everyone else in my career") that I simply can't find the energy or time to write.
but here I am.
I've passed the last month serenely. In tranquility, thoughtlessly lounging in close proximity to my other half. Whiling away time peacefully. And then something crops up that reminds me how completely different she is to myself, and how completely different she is to someone I once knew. And it shames me but it just reminds me how much I miss that other Her. I remember promising myself once that it would never get to this, that I'd never put anyone in Her shadow, never start going out with someone if there was that risk. And I genuinely thought there wasn't. But there are, God help me, so, so many flaws that I see, and mind. I miss that almost-forgotten Her. I miss the way I noticed Her flaws but laughed at them. Tolerated them. Cherished them for making her more whole, a more complete individual. With my present partner they chafe at me. Sometimes they frustrate me to the extent that I feel like giving up. And they're not all her own flaws. A lot centre about how different her family is to mine, how different their value judgements are. How almost-irrenconciliable it all seems. And it strikes me how words can always be slanted to suit your purposes. Confidant, well-informed, no-nonsense, achieving yuppies who are recognised (and almost idolised) by the people around them (or the company they keep, more accurately) - can also be, to another audience, overconfident, narrow-minded, opiniated, tactless, rude and unsubtle, ungracious and graceless - and completely insufferable. Ingrates at times. And once in a while something crops up that has me burning, almost with rage and indignation. And I just have to learn to swallow it and forget, till the next time. And the worst thing about confidant, supposedly well informed yuppies is they have no insight. They can't see both sides of the coin. They can't perceive their own flaws - because they're so well informed, in their minds. They already see so much of their coin, that there IS no other side to their coin. And anyone who says different is their enemy.
Banging your head against the wall. Angry, unsettled, discontented, empty. Tired.
And where are you, of old. Easy going, brilliantly achieving, self-deprecating, humble, meek, but also indescribably strong of character? What are you up to, booboo. Where am I, of new? Where do I go? I wish I could ask you for help.
but here I am.
I've passed the last month serenely. In tranquility, thoughtlessly lounging in close proximity to my other half. Whiling away time peacefully. And then something crops up that reminds me how completely different she is to myself, and how completely different she is to someone I once knew. And it shames me but it just reminds me how much I miss that other Her. I remember promising myself once that it would never get to this, that I'd never put anyone in Her shadow, never start going out with someone if there was that risk. And I genuinely thought there wasn't. But there are, God help me, so, so many flaws that I see, and mind. I miss that almost-forgotten Her. I miss the way I noticed Her flaws but laughed at them. Tolerated them. Cherished them for making her more whole, a more complete individual. With my present partner they chafe at me. Sometimes they frustrate me to the extent that I feel like giving up. And they're not all her own flaws. A lot centre about how different her family is to mine, how different their value judgements are. How almost-irrenconciliable it all seems. And it strikes me how words can always be slanted to suit your purposes. Confidant, well-informed, no-nonsense, achieving yuppies who are recognised (and almost idolised) by the people around them (or the company they keep, more accurately) - can also be, to another audience, overconfident, narrow-minded, opiniated, tactless, rude and unsubtle, ungracious and graceless - and completely insufferable. Ingrates at times. And once in a while something crops up that has me burning, almost with rage and indignation. And I just have to learn to swallow it and forget, till the next time. And the worst thing about confidant, supposedly well informed yuppies is they have no insight. They can't see both sides of the coin. They can't perceive their own flaws - because they're so well informed, in their minds. They already see so much of their coin, that there IS no other side to their coin. And anyone who says different is their enemy.
Banging your head against the wall. Angry, unsettled, discontented, empty. Tired.
And where are you, of old. Easy going, brilliantly achieving, self-deprecating, humble, meek, but also indescribably strong of character? What are you up to, booboo. Where am I, of new? Where do I go? I wish I could ask you for help.
