Tuesday, October 29, 2002
Eating my breakfast and mulling over what makes us all unique. It's not a particular attribute, but the sum of all our flaws, and abilities that does it. The wholistic, whole is greater than the sum of parts thing. It's about how they come together as a whole. Once upon a very long time ago I used to think there was only one other person out there right for us, with just the right balance of flaws and abilities, with a personality that was just-so. Three quarters mix flour, a cup of sugar, water, etcetc. Bake in oven for thirty five minutes and twenty two seconds. I'm older now. I realise there are as many people you could live with, as you are prepared to live with. It's not about the perfect person, but about yourself and how easy-going you are. I suppose there are many people I could spend the rest of my life with; I'm a relatively laid back guy. I'm with someone I could spend my life with, now. Settle down, work, have kids. Die. The usual story. And it would be nice, and comfortable, and serene. A gentle blur of quiet moments, interspersed with frank frustration and little moments of despair. A perfectly ordinary relationship.
Then sometimes I wonder, what would have happened if we'd worked out? I don't know if it would have been nice and serene and comfortable. But something tells me it would have been Special. And therein lies the difference. There're many people out there I could spend my life with. But so far, there's only been one that I really, really wanted to. Not for the permanence, or quiet tranquil bliss element - but for the magic.
Sometimes I wish someone would sell me out and give Her this URL. But then again... how many people even know about this page. And how many people know who She is? answer : in combination, probably zero. Oh no, I forget - I do.
Then sometimes I wonder, what would have happened if we'd worked out? I don't know if it would have been nice and serene and comfortable. But something tells me it would have been Special. And therein lies the difference. There're many people out there I could spend my life with. But so far, there's only been one that I really, really wanted to. Not for the permanence, or quiet tranquil bliss element - but for the magic.
Sometimes I wish someone would sell me out and give Her this URL. But then again... how many people even know about this page. And how many people know who She is? answer : in combination, probably zero. Oh no, I forget - I do.
Friday, October 25, 2002
It strikes me today how sad I've become. Yet how insiduous the process has been. I alternate between calm serenity (odd, considering the ridiculously hectic yet unproductive routine I have in my job - or rather, productive for everyone but myself) and sheer depression. Ennui, and bittersweet reminiscence. I remember how I once was acutely aware of how sad I was, every day. Is this any better? I'm sliding, and I don't know how far I'm going to slide, but I'm doing it ever so calmly, and ever so slowly. Maybe there is reason, after all in having a gag-reflex. Maybe we thrash about when we know we're sinking because we want to survive. Far less alarming if you're slowly immersed a centimetre more at a time, till you're up to your neck in it.
I need to think less. I need to spend less time writing on these pages. Or am I writing here because I'm thinking more?
I need to think less. I need to spend less time writing on these pages. Or am I writing here because I'm thinking more?
Thursday, October 24, 2002
And so a month has flown by. Why don't I write? because, like everyone else, I become so immersed in everyday, so completely overwhelmed by my job (hmm perhaps it's not so much "like everyone else" but more "like everyone else in my career") that I simply can't find the energy or time to write.
but here I am.
I've passed the last month serenely. In tranquility, thoughtlessly lounging in close proximity to my other half. Whiling away time peacefully. And then something crops up that reminds me how completely different she is to myself, and how completely different she is to someone I once knew. And it shames me but it just reminds me how much I miss that other Her. I remember promising myself once that it would never get to this, that I'd never put anyone in Her shadow, never start going out with someone if there was that risk. And I genuinely thought there wasn't. But there are, God help me, so, so many flaws that I see, and mind. I miss that almost-forgotten Her. I miss the way I noticed Her flaws but laughed at them. Tolerated them. Cherished them for making her more whole, a more complete individual. With my present partner they chafe at me. Sometimes they frustrate me to the extent that I feel like giving up. And they're not all her own flaws. A lot centre about how different her family is to mine, how different their value judgements are. How almost-irrenconciliable it all seems. And it strikes me how words can always be slanted to suit your purposes. Confidant, well-informed, no-nonsense, achieving yuppies who are recognised (and almost idolised) by the people around them (or the company they keep, more accurately) - can also be, to another audience, overconfident, narrow-minded, opiniated, tactless, rude and unsubtle, ungracious and graceless - and completely insufferable. Ingrates at times. And once in a while something crops up that has me burning, almost with rage and indignation. And I just have to learn to swallow it and forget, till the next time. And the worst thing about confidant, supposedly well informed yuppies is they have no insight. They can't see both sides of the coin. They can't perceive their own flaws - because they're so well informed, in their minds. They already see so much of their coin, that there IS no other side to their coin. And anyone who says different is their enemy.
Banging your head against the wall. Angry, unsettled, discontented, empty. Tired.
And where are you, of old. Easy going, brilliantly achieving, self-deprecating, humble, meek, but also indescribably strong of character? What are you up to, booboo. Where am I, of new? Where do I go? I wish I could ask you for help.
but here I am.
I've passed the last month serenely. In tranquility, thoughtlessly lounging in close proximity to my other half. Whiling away time peacefully. And then something crops up that reminds me how completely different she is to myself, and how completely different she is to someone I once knew. And it shames me but it just reminds me how much I miss that other Her. I remember promising myself once that it would never get to this, that I'd never put anyone in Her shadow, never start going out with someone if there was that risk. And I genuinely thought there wasn't. But there are, God help me, so, so many flaws that I see, and mind. I miss that almost-forgotten Her. I miss the way I noticed Her flaws but laughed at them. Tolerated them. Cherished them for making her more whole, a more complete individual. With my present partner they chafe at me. Sometimes they frustrate me to the extent that I feel like giving up. And they're not all her own flaws. A lot centre about how different her family is to mine, how different their value judgements are. How almost-irrenconciliable it all seems. And it strikes me how words can always be slanted to suit your purposes. Confidant, well-informed, no-nonsense, achieving yuppies who are recognised (and almost idolised) by the people around them (or the company they keep, more accurately) - can also be, to another audience, overconfident, narrow-minded, opiniated, tactless, rude and unsubtle, ungracious and graceless - and completely insufferable. Ingrates at times. And once in a while something crops up that has me burning, almost with rage and indignation. And I just have to learn to swallow it and forget, till the next time. And the worst thing about confidant, supposedly well informed yuppies is they have no insight. They can't see both sides of the coin. They can't perceive their own flaws - because they're so well informed, in their minds. They already see so much of their coin, that there IS no other side to their coin. And anyone who says different is their enemy.
Banging your head against the wall. Angry, unsettled, discontented, empty. Tired.
And where are you, of old. Easy going, brilliantly achieving, self-deprecating, humble, meek, but also indescribably strong of character? What are you up to, booboo. Where am I, of new? Where do I go? I wish I could ask you for help.
